The Peltier Family

Thank You

2010-08-16T22:17:00.001+02:00

Thank you all for your support, thoughts, and prayers regarding my father's passing.

Grazie a tutti per il vostro sostegno, pensieri e preghiere in merito alla scomparsa di mio padre.

This Thank You Card was designed by my mother, just the way she thought my father would have liked it.

Questo biglietto di ringraziamento e' stato creato da mia mamma, proprio come pensava che mio padre l'avrebbe desiderato.

First Tooth... to fall OFF, that is.

2010-03-15T19:58:00.000+01:00

Well, catching up on old posts isn't working very well, as I'm sure you've all noticed. In the meantime, I feel I'm missing out on posting current events in the Peltier household. Moral of the story: you'll just have to live with nonchronological posts on our blogs. Better than no posts at all, right?

On Saturday (March 13, 2010) we had one such Peltier event that is just too big to let it slip by (i.e., wait until I get all caught up with old posts and then post about this): Aurora lost her very first tooth.

She's been impatiently waiting to lose a tooth just like all the other kids in kindergarten. She obviously doesn't understand the fact that she's one of the youngest in her group, being born at the end of September. To her, everyone is losing teeth, so why isn't she? (...Great! Dealing with peer pressure, already.) A few weeks ago, two of her bottom front teeth started wobbling (one more than the other), and ever since then her impatience has become even worse. In fact, she developed an obsession with touching her mouth, and when told (repeatedly) to stop, her reply has consistently been: "I'm just checking to see if my tooth is still there!"

On Saturday, we were driving to go visit Nonno Emi in the hospital. It was snack time, and I handed Aurora a banana. She had one big mouthful as her last bite when she handed me her banana peel to toss out. As soon as she swallowed her last bite, there was a moment of silence followed by: "Mamma! My tooth! It's not there anymore! I'm so HAPPY!"

It was a good thing we were still driving on our little lone mountain road, so that we didn't cause any major traffic jam or accident. We basically stopped the car in the middle of the road to look at her missing tooth, celebrate, and take the following picture of one happy girl:

Unfortunately, the long-awaited first tooth was never meant to be with us without having to wear rubber gloves and requiring some digging (if you catch my drift). Thankfully, we had already prepared Aurora for the possibility that she may swallow it, so I think Benjamin and I were the ones most disappointed at not being able to keep the memento. Aurora quickly tried to cheer us up and said, "That's OK! The tooth fairy is going to leave me money anyway." She's got the system down already.

Aurora wrote a note (helped by her father) and put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy that night. It read, "Dear Tooth Fairy, I lost my tooth but I think I swallowed it. Love, Aurora." In the morning, Aurora was proud to find a shiny two-franc coin under her pillow. She's been carrying it around ever since.

As I was typing this and told Aurora what I was writing, she said, "Mamma, if you wanted to keep my tooth, I should have pooped outside and you could have hosed it down."

Why didn't I think of that myself??

July 4, 2009: Working with Nonno Emi

2010-01-24T06:33:00.000+01:00

A week after getting to Switzerland and after digesting the news about my father's health a bit, some of his first thoughts were directed toward all the things that he wanted to accomplish in the short term, "just in case" he wouldn't have a chance to do things later. If you know my dad, you'll know that he isn't a man of thoughts and words alone: his thoughts quickly became actions. Here is Benjamin helping him put up a roof over the outside heating pump so it wouldn't freeze in the winter anymore. The job got done rather quickly. I wish I had a picture of the finished product, but that will have to wait since now everything is covered in snow. By the way, let me add here that my dad had just been through major stomach surgery the week before, and here he is, unstoppable.

Aurora thought she might hang out with them, so she brought some of her favorite toys outside.

But playing didn't last long as she quickly became fascinated with the power drill that Papi and Nonno were using and convinced her grandpa to let her have a turn.

Here's a video of it:

I'm amazed at the evolution of Aurora's language skills over the last few months. Her Italian has just skyrocketed since this video was made. :)

July 2, 2009: Baking Bread

2010-01-09T16:43:00.000+01:00

We grew up making our own bread. We never (and I mean NEVER) bought bread at a store. Though now my parents regularly buy bread, they still like to occasionally make their own. Here's Aurora helping Nonno Emi (my dad) making bread. She took her job very seriously, though I managed to get her to look at the camera a couple of times.

Here's a video of the two of them baking bread. Aurora kept insisting that she wanted to do it all on her own, which is why in the end she got to make her very own little bread loaf:

And here is the finished product:

Aurora was a very happy baker because she got to make this ALL on her own:

Week of June 22 - June 26, 2009: The News & The Move

2010-01-09T15:54:00.000+01:00

I'm going to catch up on our life with what's happened over the past almost 7 months. I will share most of the pictures we've taken since then, which will help me remember things. You will probably hear stories you've already heard, though I'll try to keep posts short. Since this blog serves as our family journal too, I'll go in order starting with last June.

On Monday, June 22, 2009 we found out my dad had cancer. It was a shock, especially because the prognosis was grim: 2 or 3 months at most left for him to live. We packed our suitcases and headed to Switzerland on Thursday, June 25, arriving at my parents' house on the evening of Friday, June 26. My father had just been told about his prognosis and had just arrived to the house from the hospital minutes before we arrived. It was a bitter-sweet reunion as we rejoiced being together again, but extremely sad for the reason that had brought us there in such a hurry. There is something about my father's hugs when we arrive from the US and when we leave to go back every summer that makes those hugs one of my very favorite things on earth. It was an amazing feeling to find myself enveloped in his arms again on June 26.

Cheers!

2010-01-08T17:41:00.001+01:00

Well... Seeing that it has been over 7 months since my last post in which I wrote that I was back in the game with keeping up with our family blog, I would sincerely say that I was lying. :)

It is the beginning of a new year: January 8, 2010. As a friend of mine posted on Facebook a few days ago, 2010 sounds like the future. Doesn't it, though? I haven't made any new year resolutions. I don't usually make them spontaneously (never have) and this year isn't any different. But if I were to make one, the first one that I'd mention would probably be to start blogging again (prompted both by my conscience and by a few of our friends who seem to all have suddenly noticed our lack of posts and bugged us about it- LOL). Keep in mind that I'm not committing to any kind of frequency parameters so as to not set anybody's expectations too high (and likely crush them soon enough). Nevertheless, it's January 8th, and here I am with a brand new photo for our family blog, a brand new color (green) which seems to only be fitting since we now live in Switzerland, a revised profile description of our family, and a brand new post.

FINALLY!!!

2009-05-31T22:35:00.000+02:00

Could it be? Am I back in the game? After more than a month of being computerless after my laptop's motherboard melted, we finally got a "new" (i.e., used, old, clunky, heavy) laptop. ...You can't be picky when you have no money, right? Except that it is now "OUR" laptop. It wouldn't be a problem except that Benjamin is studying for the BAR, I am working on an article and dissertation proposal, and Aurora wants her fair share of playing on disney.com and pbskids.org. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! Something tells me we need two more computers or we need to get really good at taking turns.

9 YEARS!!!

2009-04-29T17:56:00.000+02:00

Nine years ago today, I was getting ready to marry this handsome man:

I can hardly believe it's been 9 years. It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems like we've been together forever. It is strange to me to think that there was ever a time that Benjamin and I didn't know each other and were living in different parts of the world. What's more fascinating to me, though, is that we were actually really close at times. In fact, Benjamin was born in Germany, and at the same time, I was living just a few kilometers away, in Switzerland. :)

I wish I had our engagement pictures or early pictures on my computer to post them and say, "look how young we were!"... but you'll just have to take my word for it. :)

Over the last few months, I've been hearing almost on a daily basis about how great of a husband I have, and how lucky I am to have him. My heart fills with pride (the good kind) whenever I hear that from others because I wholeheartedly agree with them. I do have the most amazing husband, and I am extremely lucky and blessed to have him. Because of my health trials over the last couple of years, our struggles in trying to grow our family, and some of our friends' unfortunate family situations, Benjamin and I have grown even closer, and I have come to appreciate and love him more and more. He is a wonderful husband and father. He has such love for his wife and daughter that translates over into everything he does. How lucky we are to have him!

These have been 9 amazing years. My marriage has been the one experience in which I have learned the most about myself and life. The learning hasn't stopped, actually, and I imagine it will always continue. I wish I were more poetic like Benjamin because then I would put into words all that I want to say that won't come out. The main message is this: I am extremely happy and grateful to get to spend every day of my life with the two most important people I know, and I'm looking forward to many more happy times and adventures.

ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL!!! FOREVER!

Bottom to Top

2009-04-29T17:41:00.000+02:00

Since this is a blog, the latest post will be up at the top of the page with earlier posts following. Since we're going to be posting several updated posts in chronological order, make sure to scroll down to the bottom if you start reading so you can follow along in order after we've posted a few of them. To jump to the first post in our latest volley, click here.

The Los Angeles Zoo Easter Activities

2009-04-29T17:39:00.000+02:00

Easter at the zoo meant that there were lots of different activities, and to put first things first, Aurora got herself a set of markers and some rabbit ears to make herself a bunny costume. She got a little bit of design consulting from her artist aunt and ended up with a pretty nice set of ears.

Then it was off to pet a bunny, and Aurora, with her love for animals, made sure to make her way through the line a few times.

Everybody meet Fred Linderman, professional rabbit wrangler. As you can tell, Aurora was quite content to go through the rabbit petting area, but Papi wasn’t too into the critters because they had creepy red eyes.

We posed for a few springtime pictures, and saw lots of animals.

Aurora’s favorite was the elephant, which we had to run for because they were building a new exhibit for him and moved him all around (and it was almost feeding time once we realized how far away she was).

Papi liked the “Turkeysaurus” (he couldn’t remember the real name of the animal) because he’s never seen one before. Mamma’s favorite was the gorillas. She said it was because they just looked so smart and interesting, which probably just means that they reminded her of Papi (especially the bum on this one).

The LA Zoo overall wasn’t too big and wasn’t too little. As Goldilocks would say, it was “just right.” We had a lot of fun and plenty of activities and interesting animals to keep us entertained for the day.

Afterward, Zia Momi and Zio Christian wanted to take us to see the Griffith Observatory...

Invading the Sampson’s

2009-04-28T19:11:00.001+02:00

We stumbled in to the Sampson household around or after midnight on Friday, April 10, 2009, on account of a late start due to a raging migraine Papi had. It was a long drive down in the dark with construction on I-15, but Mamma handled the drive like a champ. We pulled in and found Zia Momi and Christian still up and active and waiting for us, and we loved their pretty little apartment.

The next morning, we set Aurora loose with the camera, and she took some pictures of her favorite parts of the apartment (see the slideshow below). These point-of-view shots are great to see some of the details that only a four-year-old mind can get at (note especially how she caught the symmetry of the front windows).

We ate breakfast that morning and devoured the eggs and the traditional Italian Easter “colomba” that was made possible by Zia Momi’s culinary skills and clever manipulation of an ordinary baking pan.

Next, it was on to the LA Zoo...

Easter Extravaganza 2009

2009-04-28T19:11:00.000+02:00

On Easter weekend, the Peltier family went on a road trip to Glendale, CA to visit Zia Naomi (Momi) and Zio Christian for the first time since they moved in just four hours away from us, and we had a blast. Our activities included the following (each to be blogged about in separate posts):

Invading the Sampson household
Visiting the LA Zoo for Easter activities
Going to the Griffith Observatory
Coloring and hunting Easter eggs
Aurora’s first baseball game
Walking through the Americana at Glendale
Easter baskets, brunch, and more egg hunting!

Thank you Zia Momi and Zio Christian for letting us invade and take over the entire front room/dining area with a carload of stuff and for taking the time to keep us constantly busy and entertained. We had a great time and hope to make another visit soon!

Happy Birthday, Great-Grandma Cecilia!!!

2009-03-29T23:34:00.000+02:00

It's my grandmother's birthday today. She is 91 years old!!! Happy birthday!!!

Here are two pictures of her with Aurora taken last summer at her house when she invited us over for a 4-course meal that she prepared for us:

My grandmother, my father's mother, has always been such an example to me of hard work, perseverance, humility, courage, and love. It's not possible for me to tell you all the stories I have heard of her, but let me summarize her life by saying that she has been a loving mother to her only son (my dad) to whom she has dedicated her entire life (and by default, to us!). She is by far the hardest-working woman I have EVER met. She has had to slow down over the last few years because of her age; but otherwise, all I ever knew of her was that she was always on the go, working and doing things for others. My grandmother has hardly ever stopped. Whenever she came over to our house to eat or we went to hers, she was so busy making sure that she was serving everybody and attending to everyone's needs, that she hardly ever sat down with us. So much so, that we have a saying in our family for people who don't quite completely sit down on a chair at the table when it's time to eat: we say to them, "don't be a Grandma Cecilia." :)

Some of my earliest memories with her are from when she used to come up to the cabin in Deiro with us in the summer, and sometimes she'd babysit the three of us kids for a couple of days if my mom had to go down the mountain for something. We would go pick raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, and mushrooms together. She'd also cook the yummiest food. Sometimes, when I walked into my apartment building after school, if I smelled the yummiest smells coming out from our apartment door even before walking in the door, that's how I knew that my grandma had come to visit! So, I'd run in very excited and happy to see her. I LOVED her white bread that she would bring every time, her gnocchi that she would make from scratch that were so delicious, and her pies that she made for dessert that she could never give us the recipes for because she just made them up each time. I remember one day when she was babysitting us in Deiro one summer, after I had done something bad (I can't remember what), that she was chasing me, and I ran away from her and stood behind the dining room table so she couldn't catch me. After trying to get to me for a few minutes, she finally gave up, sighed, and said, "Now I know why your mother always has a headache!!" (My mom has suffered from migraine headaches all of her life.) :)

One story that she likes to tell my husband over and over is about when I was a baby. She says that I was so skinny that she was afraid to hold me in fear that she would "break" me. She also says that my legs were not straight but bowed, and she was afraid that I'd grow up with crooked legs and be ugly. In fact, she was embarrassed in front of her friends when my mom would bring me to her work place and wait outside for her to come out after work. She tells the story with smiles and laughter, so I have never taken offense... Plus, it helps that my legs have turned out pretty straight afterall... ;)

Over the last almost 17 years, ever since my very first trip to the United States as an exchange student, when it's time for me to say goodbye the day before my departure from Switzerland, my grandmother has told me every single year: "I will never see you again! I won't be here when you come back next year!" And then she'd cry, and I'd cry... and it has been SEVENTEEN years since that first trip. Every year I figure that she might actually be right this time around (after all, she is 91 years old!). So, every year since Aurora was born, I make it a point to take pictures with the two of them, and most especially, I take a few of what I call the "4-generations pictures" with my grandmother, my father, myself, and Aurora. Here are some of the 4-generations pictures from last summer:

We miss you, great-grandma Cecilia!!! Happy birthday!! We are thinking about you!! Hopefully, we will see you SOON!!

Latest Update

2009-03-24T20:53:00.000+01:00

I went to the doctor today. He was an electrocardiologist who I was referred to by my regular cardiologist. My regular cardiologist noticed some different arrythmias and wanted me to go to this other guy because he was more of a specialist. After reviewing the results of my heart monitoring, the electrocardiologist said that I had a mixture of low heart rates and high heart rates at various intervals, and that even though sometimes my heart rate was as low as 40bpm that I should not be worried that it would cause me any damage. He said that my heart was in good health, and that they were right to have closed my PFO.

As for my symptoms and prognosis, he said that with my miscarriage and my PFO closing procedure, I've been through A LOT of trauma and that it is taking my body some time to recover. He is convinced that given some additional recovery time that my heart rate will return to normal, and I will have no lasting adverse effects. He said that it would not be necessary to consider any other type of medical or surgical intervention at this time because he is convinced my body will recover on its own. He did add that if anything else (bad) happens, he'll be happy to reconsider my situation.

While this is frustrating news because it means that I will have to continue to have the symptoms I have been having (hopefully at gradually decreasing levels of discomfort) without any means of immediate relief, it means that those symptoms are (hopefully) TEMPORARY and I won't have to worry about some kind of permanent damage.

Happy Birthday, Nonno Emi!!!

2009-03-20T17:18:00.000+01:00

My dad is 69 years old today. WOW!! I can't believe it! Happy Birthday!!!
It always kind of stinks that my dad's birthday is the day after Father's Day in Switzerland because he only gets celebrated once a year. Usually our Father's Day and his birthday were pretty much combined. Knowing what to get for my dad's birthday has always been the hardest thing to do. Whenever we asked him what he wanted, his reply was always something like: "I just want peace, love, and smiles." ...Such a frustrating answer for a kid trying to figure out how to get the perfect present for her dad. So, he ended up with a lot of things I'm sure he didn't like. :) But to him, it was always the thought that counted.

One of my favorite things about my dad was the time we spent together OUTSIDE (playing, running, building something, etc.). Here's Nonno Emi giving Aurora wheelbarrow rides last summer, just like he used to do with us when we were kids (...only, he used to run back then... but you can't expect that out of him now, even if we are talking about my dad)! Oh, and those overalls; they're definitely my dad's trademark piece of clothing. He changed into those EVERY DAY whenever he got home and started working in his garden, or on whatever other project.

Another one of my favorite things about him is his contagious laugh. My dad has a funny sense of humor, and he's been known for laughing with gusto for several minutes because of a silly joke or while reading comics (as in the pictures below):

And then, of course, there's Deiro: the cabin he built in the mountains for us. There's nothing that reminds me more of my dad than my favorite place on earth. And what about this picture (taken in Deiro) with another one of my dad's cliches: drinking milk straight out of a carton, and in this case, sharing it with Aurora. :)

Happy birthday, dad! Tanti auguri, Nonno Emi!! We miss you soooooooooo much!!!

GRAM

2009-03-19T16:16:00.000+01:00

A year ago today Gram passed away. I wish I had a better picture to post right here, but if you knew her, you will definitely recognize her robe and glasses, and you'll look at the picture with a chuckle. :) This picture was taken on Christmas day 2007 (her last Christmas with us):

This is going to be a two-part post. I'll write first (Ilaria), then Benjamin is going to add his own thoughts.

Part 1 (Ilaria):

I cannot believe it's been a year. It seems like yesterday that she would shuffle her feet with her slippers out of her bedroom and walk over to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee while singing to herself one of her "Gram songs." If she caught Benjamin and I hugging or kissing in the kitchen, she'd say, "Alright you two. We'll have none of that here!" ... or something like that and we'd all laugh.

It seems like yesterday that she called me as I was blow drying my hair (I had grabbed the home phone and set it on the counter "just in case" and saw it light up... otherwise I would have never heard it!) to tell me that she was feeling like she was about to fall and needed help.

It seems like yesterday that Aurora and I got to her house, found her on the floor, tried to comfort her, called for help, and watched Larry, Matt, and all those paramedics show up to take her to the hospital. I will always remember that when she was all ready to be wheeled out, she made them stop, looked over to where Aurora and I were standing, opened her arms and said, "Come here, poo-poo" (her nickname for Aurora) "come here and give Gram a hug." I remember that I picked Aurora up, walked over as if in slow motion, while in my head I thought, "this is it... and she knows it." Aurora hugged her and kissed her while Gram was trying to act all courageous for Aurora's sake, making her cute voice and smiling. That was the last time I saw Gram that lucid.

It seems like yesterday that Aurora and I would go visit Gram at the hospital around lunch time or dinner time so we could help her eat (she didn't want to eat anymore, but she let Aurora feed her a little food), then Aurora and I would stop at the park on our way home.

It seems like yesterday that we would walk into that hospital room, and I would see from far away that Gram wasn't "all there" anymore. But as soon as she realized that Aurora was in the room, she'd "wake up," smile, and talk to her. She did that for weeks... until she got worse.

Two weeks ago, after having spent the night in the E.R., they admitted me. It was like I was in a dream as they wheeled me down the same hall I used to walk to get to Gram's room. When they put me right in the same exact room (different bed), I couldn't hold my tears back at the thought that almost exactly a year later, here I was being hospitalized in the same room where Gram spent her last lucid moments and where we spent our last little bit of time together with her. A year ago, she was right there. Right there!

I miss her so much I still can't quite talk about it without breaking down. Gram was one of the nicest people I have ever met. She was one of the nicest people to ever bless my life. She was so kind to me. The way that she accepted me into the family right from the start... The way that she talked to me... She used to say to me all the time after a visit or after I gave her a ride to her hairdresser, "You've been sent to this family for me. What would I do without you?" She made me feel so loved. And I loved her right back. It wasn't hard to do.

Gram is still here. She hasn't gone anywhere far. I can still feel her around us. I think about her all the time, about the things she used to say and do and sing. She sure made me laugh a lot. One thing is for sure: since her passing, I've felt a lot better about death because I know that she'll be there waiting for all of us once we go. I can't wait to see her again!!! My Nonna Gram! Oh, how I miss you!!!

Part 2 (Benjamin):

"Our religion is the traditions of our ancestors, the dream of our old men, given them by the great Spirit, and the visions of our sachems, and is written in the hearts of our people.

Your dead cease to love you and the homes of their nativity as soon as they pass the portals of the tomb. They wander far off beyond the stars, are soon forgotten, and never return. Our dead never forget the beautiful world that gave them being. They still love its winding rivers, its great mountains and its sequestered vales, and they ever yearn in tenderest affection over the lonely hearted living and often return to visit and comfort them."

--Chief Seattle of the Suquamish Tribe

The Old Chief came to my mind as I was thinking about Gram because the Suquamish tradition is that the spirit of the dead is disturbed at the mention of that person's name. With how frequently I think of Gram, how her spirit is forever a part of mine, I wonder how much rest she's getting now. Maybe that's why she didn't mind being called Gram or Lull or Ma or any of the other words I heard to refer to her that weren't her name. If the thought of the person is what disturbs the dead and not the technicality of the name, then I'm afraid Gram might be in for an eternity of restlessness like that of poor Seattle.

Our mirror broke last night, the one that used to belong to my other grandmother. It fell right off the wall, unprovoked, and when I got to the bottom of the stairs to see the result of the ruckus, I stood there in a stupor staring at all of the broken shards scattered across my living room. I really liked that mirror; my sister-in-law often mentioned how she wouldn't mind taking it off of my hands if I ever wanted to get rid of it, and I clung on to it because it was one of very few "things" I had left of my Grammy Peltier. There it was, shattered on the floor with its busted pieces reflecting my face back at me about a thousand times over.

I read Ilaria's tribute and remembered that day that Gram fell and my birthday a few weeks later (the last time that I saw her so lucid), and all I could think of was my busted up grandmother laying there reflecting all the bits of me a thousand times over.

Gram, I know you're not far away in space or time. One of us soon will have to take some time out of our restless schedules so we can return and visit and comfort each other again.

I love you.

Update and Things I'm Grateful For

2009-03-15T22:53:00.000+01:00

I've been told I need to post an update. While I do that, I also want to throw in a few thoughts about what I am grateful for these days. If I have learned anything over the last 2 years of my life, it is to appreciate what I have, enjoy the good moments, and be thankful for what I have (and in this case, for what I don't have). Here it goes:

I've recovered from the PFO closure. I am grateful for that. I seem to also be doing better with my headaches too. I had two migraine headaches (the ones with the aura) immediately following the procedure, but that is supposed to be normal from what they said. Also, whenever I had a long day, I used to always get a headache before, sometime in the afternoon/early evening. Well, that seems to have stopped. I always thought those headaches were tension headaches, but I guess they were related to my heart condition. For that improvement, I am also grateful.

Now on to the less positive news:

I still have all of the other symptoms: dizziness, nausea, faintness, weakness, exhaustion, heart palpitations, etc. They also all still get worse right around my ovulation and menstrual cycle. I recently did a major blood test through an endocrinologist, and it all came back normal (other than the expected hormonal fluctuations due to my PCOS). After telling the endocrinologist that he was my last hope to be able to figure this out, he told me I should really be grateful I don't have an endocrine problem. I've decided to agree with him. So, I'm grateful I don't have a major endocrine problem.

About two weeks ago, when I sat up in bed upon waking up one morning, I felt this weird spasm in my chest followed by my usual symptoms (dizziness, lightheadedness, etc.). I listened to my heartbeat and realized that it was skipping beats, slowing down, and beating very irregularly. It did that for 3 hours straight. By the time they got me in to the cardiologist's office to do an EKG, of course my heart was beating normally again, so the results were normal. They ended up hooking me up to a Holter Monitor (i.e., a heart monitor that you carry with you) to do a 30-day study. The monitor is always hooked up to my heart, and I need to push a record button whenever I feel that my heartbeat is irregular. Every 4 recordings I have to transmit it all through the phone to this office that's collecting all the data. So, that's what I'm doing these days... Thank goodness for technology. I'm also thankful that I closed my PFO because before I did, I had no idea that my symptoms were related to my heart beat. I made the connection only after. I think that by closing that hole, my blood now flows the correct way through my heart, and somehow this is helping me feel what is going on with my heart (I actually feel it contract funny whenever this happens).

In the meantime, I spent the last weekend in the hospital yet again. After spending two nights trying unsuccessfully to go to sleep and feeling like I was going to pass out, I finally asked Benjamin to take me to the E.R. on Friday night. They told me it was a good thing I went in because had I passed out, it would have been a medical emergency. They hooked me up to a monitor and immediately decided to admit me after seeing that the alarm on the monitor kept going off because my heart rate would drop from like 72/73 beats per minute down to 42/43 randomly and consistently. I spent Saturday and Sunday being tested for every possible thing that could be related to that. Can you guess the results? Everything came back negative: I am not having a heart attack, I'm not having a stroke, I don't have a pulmonary embolism (though they thought that I did for a bit), my brain isn't bleeding from taking Plavix as my post-PFO closure pills, and on and on. I am grateful for not having any of those scary things ...though, to be honest, at some point I really wanted them to find that pulmonary embolism - which is a blood clot in the lungs... Again, I was told I really don't want a pulmonary embolism. Again, I eventually decided to be grateful I don't have that scary condition either.

The internal medicine doctor at the hospital (who was so nice, by the way) basically told me that he can't explain what's going on. He ruled everything out. He recommended that I keep recording events on the monitor, and he wished me luck. He said I should definitely go back to the hospital if I pass out, but that they won't be able to do much more for me since they've already tested me for everything.

Well, this is pretty much the summary of the latest events. My biggest frustration, of course, is that I am not well and nobody can tell me why. My other frustration is that nobody seems to want to take into account my hemorrhage related to my last miscarriage, which to me should be THE starting point of a diagnosis, since I started having these symptoms immediately following that event.

In the meantime, my dear, cool, and incredibly intelligent and supportive husband, for whom I am so thankful, hasn't been sitting around waiting for a diagnosis. His frustration is that each doctor I see only looks at whatever area they are experts in and nothing else, while Benjamin would like for someone to look at the whole picture. Since nobody in the profession seems to be able to do this, he's been researching and piecing everything together on his own. He has, in fact, formulated a theory. Part of his theory has already been confirmed when they found out at the hospital that I have low potassium (but they couldn't figure out why). Benjamin had already been telling me for a week that I needed to start taking potassium before I ended up at the hospital and got the blood results that supported his theory. He thinks that I have something called sick sinus syndrome, which is a condition that's relatively rare but can be set off by an event such as a heavy hemorrhage. The hemorrhaging causes the sinus nodes of the heart to become damaged, thus deregulating the heartbeat. A sign for this is low potassium, which I have, and which, by the way, would also explain why I get worse around my ovulation and period (since the body uses up a ton of potassium during that time). I think Benjamin's right on the money. Don't you?

The other day, after having had a few really bad days in which I just laid on the couch with ice packs on my neck and forehead to avoid passing out, I called my cardiologist's office and asked if they could start looking at the data I've been recording on my monitor (usually they wait until the end of the 30-day study, unless something really bad and life-threatening is happening). Well, the nurse started reading the results: "sinus rhythm, bradycardia, sinus rhythm, bradycardia, sinus rhythm, bradycardia,..." In my head I was screaming, "YES!!!! THAT'S IT!!! YOU CAN SEE IT!!!" ...until she said, "Well, this looks pretty normal to me. A lot of people have this kind of arrhythmia and are just fine. It's not life-threatening!" I wanted to scream that it might not be life-threatening, but it sure has been debilitating me these last 4.5 months!! And I want my life back!!! I was told to keep recording and to make an appointment with my cardiologist in a few days. So, while I didn't quite get the results I wanted (i.e., FIX MY HEART! GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK! NOW!!!), I am grateful that my husband's theory was essentially confirmed. I'm so grateful for Benjamin!!! What a smarty pants!! I told him that had he not just gone through Law School, I would send him to Medical School right now!! ;)

While I still have to be patient for a while longer while they figure this whole thing out for sure, knowing what is going on with me brings peace into my life. The worst-case scenario is that I'll have to have a pacemaker put in. I'm not too worried about that seeing that my almost-91-year-old grandmother has had a pacemaker for the last 30-something years, and it has obviously been very beneficial to her... :) I'm thankful for peace of mind, and I'm thankful for medicine and technology (though at times they sure can frustrate me... especially when things take so stinking long!!).

Another thing I wanted to add here is this: I am thankful for my family - Benjamin and Aurora. I will probably write more about this some other time, but since I'm being thankful, I can't leave it out. I love my husband and my daughter with all my heart. I don't take them for granted, I can tell you that. Not anymore!!

Video of the Week

2009-03-05T07:04:00.000+01:00

I already admit that there may not be a weekly one, but I'll do my best to at least update every once in a while.

Daisy moves her paws when she's dreaming too, and this one especially made me chuckle because Bizkit gets the exact look on his face as Daisy gets when she wakes up from a dream.

First Kiss

2009-02-19T22:09:00.000+01:00

Today, as Aurora and I were driving home from preschool, she announced:

"Today someone at school kissed me!"

I said, "Really?! Was it a boy or a girl?"

She answered, "A boy!"

I asked, "Which boy was it?"

Aurora acted all embarrassed and said she couldn't remember; then she told me, "Zack!"

I asked, "Why did he kiss you?"

She answered shyly, "...'Cause I think he likes me a little bit or something..." (My heart melted right there!)

I said, "Where did he kiss you? On your cheek?"

She answered, "Nooooo! On my head!" (while pointing to her forehead.) "I turned my head like this" (she showed me how she had turned to the side) "and he just kissed me."

I asked, "What did you say to him when he kissed you?"

She said, "I told him: 'Stop kissing me 'cause it's kind of gross!'"

I laughed really hard!!! Then I told her that it wasn't gross, and that it was kind of sweet that Zack had kissed her.

She said, "I know." (...Her favorite sentence these days...)

...And there you have it: Aurora's first kiss (at least the first not in the presence of at least one of her parents). I didn't think I'd have this conversation with her for years and years still... but I guess I was wrong! :)

Aurora & Zia Momi (Naomi)

2009-02-19T21:45:00.000+01:00

Here are some pictures that Naomi took while she was here:

To read more about their time together, visit Naomi's blog HERE.

Pre-Valentine's Day Date

2009-02-18T19:26:00.000+01:00

My husband is so sweet. Do you know what he did last Wednesday night? He brought a sleeping bag to the hospital and clothes for work for the next day, and he slept on the floor in a tiny space between the wall and my hospital bed... just so that I wouldn't have to sleep at the hospital alone. Isn't that so sweet? I tried to send him home a couple of times, so he could sleep in a bed, but he wouldn't budge.

It was funny, too, because the other bed in my room was empty, and I told him he should sneak a nap on there. He replied that someone would probably bust in the door at 2am and yell at him to get off the bed because they were admitting a new patient. ...He was only 1 hour off because a new patient arrived at 3am (gosh! It was SO loud! They don't tiptoe around in a hospital, do they?!).

I decided that staying in a hospital (when you are doing fairly well - not when you're really sick) is like staying in a very expensive, very crappy motel: it's loud, you don't know who's been in your bed before you, you don't know what's circulating around as far as germs and such, and the best part of it all is the T.V.! ;)

Anyway, I'm off topic... I was talking about Benjamin and our "date." So, Naomi and Aurora brought us a heart-shaped cake with fresh strawberries on top that they made together (see picture below), a balloon, cards, candy, movies and my laptop, and they told us that it was our pre-Valentine's Day date.
So, Benjamin and I ate yummy cake and watched movies (on T.V. though; they had channels that we don't have at home! :)) and celebrated Valentine's Day early. ...Then my husband went to sleep on the floor. Ha, ha, ha! What a great friend he is!!!

Thank You, Zia Naomi (and Mom & Dad!!)

2009-02-14T06:20:00.000+01:00

I need to thank my sister, Naomi, for coming to Vegas for 3 days to watch Aurora for us while I was in the hospital and Benjamin was juggling hospital and work. I also need to thank my parents for making this possible for us. GRAZIE A TUTTI!!!

Here's a list of some of the things I know Naomi and Aurora did together, though I'm sure there's more that they did that I just don't know about: they played, they got Aurora's valentines ready for her preschool party, Naomi took Aurora to preschool, they went to McDonald's twice, they went to the park three different times, Naomi got Aurora dressed up all pretty and got her hair done very nicely, they snuggled, Naomi cheered Aurora up when she got sad when she realized that her mom and dad were not going to be sleeping at home on Wednesday night, they had a sleep over in the same room, Naomi put Aurora back on her mattress a few times during the night when she slipped off, she gave her medicine, helped her brush her teeth, they baked cakes including a heart-shaped strawberry cake with fresh strawberries on top, they hung a pretty flower/picture holder in Aurora's room, they cooked food, they visited me at the hospital on Wednesday and came back to pick me up on Thursday, they brought me and Benjamin all sorts of valentine's gifts (a cake, a balloon, cards, candy...), they laughed, they did all of my laundry and folded it all, they vacuumed my house a couple of times, they cleaned my kitchen, they took care of our dog Daisy, Naomi reorganized my whole pantry (which is something I've been wanting to do for a long, long time!!!) and my fridge, she got Aurora's (and mine) toenails done, and they just had a great aunt-niece time together.

Tonight, when we dropped Naomi off at the airport, we each had two rounds of hugs and kisses from her. As we pulled away from the curb, Aurora announced, "I really like her!" Then she added, "I always like her!" That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Zia Momi: we really and always like you. Thank you SO MUCH for everything you did. Thank you for being here. Knowing that you were here and were taking care of Aurora really took all worries away from me about her. That meant a lot to me that you dropped everything and just came to help!! Oh, and don't let me forget to thank Christian for letting us have Naomi this week!! :)

PFO Closure

2009-02-13T22:09:00.000+01:00

It's done! I'm home!

I'm feeling fine other than the fact that I'm really dizzy... Apparently, the medication I have to be on for the next 6 months (Plavix) can cause dizziness... The good news is that hopefully the dizziness will go away as my body gets used to the medication over the next couple of weeks. Also, my heart is still racing randomly, but the cardiologist warned me that it may take 2 or 3 months for my symptoms to go away completely because he patched the hole, but it won't be completely closed until my heart builds muscle around the patch.

The other good news is that the cardiologist said the procedure went perfectly. The only thing I need to worry about right now over the next few days is not to re-open the wounds in both my legs (they ended up going up both of my legs), so that I don't hemorrhage. Seeing that I'm SOOOOOO done with paramedics and ER drama, I'm just going to take it easy over the next 3 or 4 days.

That's the plan.

Thursday

2009-02-05T21:17:00.000+01:00

I DID IT!!! I got the TEE done!!! I can't even express my relief and just plain JOY to have that over with!!!

I have to say that I had the best nurse in the entire world. She was just perfect for me and my anxieties, which helped me be more calm. The worst part of the whole thing was the anticipation, actually. The second worst part was the spray they used to numb my throat. They said that it was supposed to taste like banana... Yeah, right! It was more like swallowing a bathroom disinfectant: the smell of it, the taste, and the fact it burned my throat for a few seconds until it went numb. Oh, and they had to repeat this part twice. The first time, I gagged; the second time, I threw up, though I hadn't eaten anything in over 12 hours, so thankfully it wasn't too bad (sorry for the details). I felt so bad for everyone there, though. I seriously don't know how people can do that for a living... (Benjamin, who was waiting basically outside the door, heard the whole thing too, and has already started teasing me about that.) :)

My cardiologist was super nice too. All the nurses ranted and raved about him. Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that he looks like he should star in a soap opera or something... LOL! ;)

So, here's the prognosis: I do have a PFO, but it's not as big as the cardiologist had expected. He did say, though, that they definitely saw blood going through that hole. In a lot of cases, you can have a bigger hole and no blood going through it, but in my case, it's the opposite. He suggested that I get that closed to prevent strokes, to hopefully get rid of some of my symptoms (he can't give me any guarantees about this), and ultimately because the benefits outweigh the risks. He could close it as early as next week. He also said that the procedure will immediately impact my headaches, and if the rest of my symptoms are related to the PFO, I should feel immediate relief/change with those as well. As a downside, he did say that there's a small chance that they may not be able to close the hole once he's in.

I updated the cardiologist on the latest development with the neurologist and with the endocrinologist, and I asked him in the event that I do have MS and that my pituitary gland is damaged, if those two conditions would have an impact on the procedure. He said no because they are not going to completely sedate me for the procedure. He also said that once he closes the hole, I can safely get MRIs, etc.

I also asked him if he sees a relationship between my miscarriage and this PFO, and he answered that he does not see a relation at all. If there is one, he says that it is pure coincidence.

We are thinking about what we want to do, but at this point, we are leaning toward getting my PFO fixed.

Any thoughts/opinions about this? What would you do in my place?

Wednesday

2009-02-05T00:58:00.000+01:00

I had one of the worst nights of my life last night. I seriously felt like my life was upside down. I sat down and read all about Multiple Sclerosis, and it's as if they've written about it by taking me and my symptoms as a model. It was devastating to discover all those similarities! By the end of the night I had very, very little hope that the neurologist wasn't calling me to tell me I have MS.

Amazingly, I slept pretty well. I guess I was so tired from all the running around, the stress, and the tears...

So, today, at about 12:15pm, the neurologist's office FINALLY called me back (after several phone calls from Benjamin and from me urging them to please let us know what was going on). I spoke directly with Dr. Germin. He said the MRI came back normal, but that there were some anomalies that he wasn't sure about. He apologized for giving me permission to do an open MRI in the first place - he said that for this particular test, an open MRI doesn't produce very clear images. He asked me to please repeat the MRI and that this time I have to do a closed one. He told me he would prescribe me with a sedative to help me out with my claustrophobia (...too bad that those sedatives make me freak out as much as being closed in a tiny little space...).

Didn't I get my wish again? I will be sort of unconscious for my next MRI... I decided I'm not going to think too much about this until after tomorrow. Today is the day I stress about the TEE I'm doing tomorrow. (I can't overload myself with stresses or I won't make it through all this...)

I am basically grasping on the fact that I amazingly still have hope that I may not have MS. I was sure today was the day when my life would be officially turned upside down. I do know that Dr. Germin is very good at not scaring his patients until he has to. So, for all I know, he did see plenty wrong, but just to be extra sure, he wants me to repeat the MRI before he breaks the news to me. I appreciate his thoroughness, though. After all, he was the one who found my PFO.

In the meantime, I went to my endocrinologist appointment today. He was super-nice as well. He basically said that he can't explain ALL of my symptoms, but that one likely explanation of my dizziness could stem from the pituitary gland. He said that a sudden and severe blood loss like the one I had in October could have damaged or even killed off part of this gland. He said this condition is called Sheehan's Syndrome. I need to do extensive blood work to check all of this out.

The endocrinologist also checked out my thyroid and found a small nodule. He said he's not going to worry about it at the moment because it's so small, but that I have to repeat the ultrasound in 3 months. If the nodule has enlarged and reached 1cm diameter, then he'll have to do a biopsy.

...Suddenly I feel that the list of things that are physically wrong with me -or that have the potential to be wrong- is getting RIDICULOUSLY long!!! Seriously!

Tuesday

2009-02-04T04:15:00.000+01:00

I know I already posted today, but this blog has become my therapy. So, here are the latest news: while I was out at the park with Aurora, my neurologist's office staff left me a message at home saying that Dr. Germin wants to talk to me. Unfortunately, I got home after 6pm, and when I tried to call back they were already closed.

What's significant about this phone call is that I specifically asked Dr. Germin if after my MRI I would need to go in to talk to him, and he told me that it wouldn't be necessary. He said HE would call ME if there was anything of significance in my MRI. Well, I did the MRI this morning. I got a call this afternoon. Do I need to say more? I'm basically freaking out right now...

"HELP ME!"

2009-02-03T19:03:00.000+01:00

Well, Benjamin has a new story to make fun of me with, much to my embarrassment. So, I decided to tell it from my own perspective before you hear it from him, in the hopes that you will sympathize with me (at least a little) and not laugh at me as he does. :)

I did my MRI today. This was the 5th MRI of my life and the 4th just in the last couple of years. I did an "open" MRI today. I say "open" in quotation marks because it sure doesn't feel very open to me, though I realize that it would feel much worse with a completely closed machine.

I am officially MRIed out! Benjamin promised me today that I should be covered on MRIs for the rest of my life. I'm holding him to his promise. At the very least, I told him, I don't want to be conscious the next time I have to do one... Except that maybe I should rethink this statement. It appears that lately, when I wish for something, I actually get it. For example, after my first miscarriage, which truly stunk but was uneventful (in as much as a miscarriage could be categorized as "uneventful"), I told Benjamin, myself, and God that I never wanted to go through that again. In fact, if I recall correctly, my exact words were that I didn't want to ever go through a miscarriage "like that" again. I had hated the whole E.R. experience and didn't want a repeat. ...Well, I didn't have another miscarriage "like that." I had one that was much, much worse!!! So, now I'm thinking, if I'm wishing to never have an MRI where I'm conscious, then I might just get my wish and be unconscious because of a trauma of some kind. So, maybe I should just say that I truly hope never to have to do an MRI again in my life, UNLESS it is necessary to help me in some way; and if I am unconscious next time I do one, that it will be because I have asked to be sedated for the procedure. How's that?! I'm leaving the door open to better possibilities...

On to the story. There really isn't very much to say. Benjamin was allowed to be in the room with me, but I couldn't see him once they slid me in the machine. I got claustrophobic, I panicked, my heart started racing, I called out for help first to the technician (I was wearing earphones so that she could talk to me and I to her the entire time), but she didn't hear; so I called out to Benjamin, but he didn't hear me either; so I basically yelled out, (some may say at the top of my lungs... I can't quite recall and am not admitting to anything), "HELP ME!"

There. The technician came running, she pulled me out, was visibly upset that I had made her stop her test, I got lectured by both her and my husband, I tried to recollect myself and remember why I had to go through my personal claustrophobic hell voluntarily, and I got slid back in to start the whole thing from scratch. (And yes, I do realize and realized then that if I made her stop the test I would have to start from scratch. That realization didn't help me at all while I was panicking, though.)

I had another panic attack after a few minutes, but this time I didn't want to embarrass myself again (or anger the technician), so I just bit my lip and tried to breathe in and out to slow my heart down (which DOESN'T WORK, by the way, for everyone out there who is thinking, "Duh?! Just breathe and you'll be fine" - at least it doesn't work very fast; it's still a few minutes of hell until you can calm down. And a minute is a looooooooooong time when you think you're going to die!).

Anyway, I didn't die, obviously, and I made it through the whole, entire MRI. (**Pat on the back for something I consider a major accomplishment for me; another check on my medical to do list for this week**)

Here are some of my thoughts:

1) If you are not claustrophobic and can't understand why I would panic doing an MRI, all I can say is that you should consider yourself LUCKY! Don't take it for granted, though, because I wasn't always claustrophobic. In fact, my very fist MRI, done during my teenage years, was a closed one, and I didn't have any problems with it.

2) In the middle of the MRI I had this thought: if I am hating this so much right now, what's going to happen on Thursday with the really scary procedure? I'm probably going to be wishing for a "silly" MRI on Thursday instead of the TEE. ...Then the thought started to panic me and I had to think of something else...

3) I have a feeling that over the next... uhhh, I don't know... LIFETIME probably, my husband will make a silly girly voice and scream out, "HELP ME!" whenever I tease him about his needle phobia... or just for fun because he can! ;)

Monday

2009-02-03T00:29:00.000+01:00

Finally, the week has begun. I've been so nervous about it, that I'm relieved it's finally here... so I can get it over with.

Tomorrow, I get to be stuck in a machine that leaves me no room to breathe while it vibrates and makes very loud banging sounds. Seeing that I'm already dizzy and nauseous all the time (not to mention claustrophobic), that should be fun. I'm glad this time they don't need to inject me with contrast liquid, which to me basically means I'll be in the machine for half the time.

I've been trying to come up with a strategy to get through the procedure. Counting the seconds didn't help the last time (the loud banging of the machine throws off my counting), so I'm leaning toward singing a song in my head a certain number of times... Any suggestions?

I also decided that when my heart starts to pound really fast because I'm getting nervous about all these tests and start to panic this week, all I have to do is remember this: I'm doing this for my angel, Aurora. I'm getting better for her. She needs her mom to be finally healthy. :)

Next Week

2009-01-31T00:41:00.000+01:00

Talk about a "medical" week coming up for me.

On Monday - Appointment with the back doctor (plus teach my class in the evening).
On Tuesday morning - MRI of my neck (plus take Aurora to preschool and pick her up).
On Tuesday afternoon - Pre-Op paperwork to fill out at the cardiologist's office and at the hospital.
On Wednesday - Visit at the endocrinologist's office (plus teach my class in the evening).
On Thursday - TEE at the hospital (plus figure things out for Aurora's preschool since I won't be able to drive all day).
On Friday - ...Breathe in... Breathe out... hopefully make some sense of what I learned about my body all throughout the week, and try to plan the next move.

Wish me LUCK!!!

TransEsophageal Echocardiogram (TEE)

2009-01-29T02:13:00.001+01:00

I just found out I'm scheduled to do my TEE a week from tomorrow (Feb. 5). I'm a bit nervous...

Here's a link to learn more about how TEE is performed: http://www.heartsite.com/html/tee.html

If anyone has ever had this done, will you please tell me about your experience? Thanks.

TOTAL OPPOSITE!!!

2009-01-28T23:10:00.000+01:00

I went to my other cardiologist appointment this morning. I told myself that I wasn't going to get my hopes up one way or another. NO EXPECTATIONS! That was my motto. When I woke up this morning I had this thought, "Wouldn't it be ironic if I went in to this doctor and he told me the complete opposite from the other one? That would probably be the worst-case scenario because it would be so confusing." Well, irony is a part of life, isn't it? Because that's exactly what happened.

This doctor seemed to trust the neurologist diagnosis of PFO much, much more than the other cardiologist. He said that the TCD Bubble Test he did on me is a strong indicator of a PFO. He said for sure he wants to do that procedure (TEE) where they go down my throat to take pictures of my heart to check things out more closely. That seemed to be the one thing both doctors agreed on. Except that this one wants to get it done tomorrow, or Friday, or early next week, while the first wanted to monitor me for a couple of weeks first.

I asked him if he thought that my symptoms are related to the PFO. He didn't say, "yes! For sure!" but said that it is likely. He warned that all of my symptoms might not disappear by closing the PFO, but that for sure I would get better as far as headaches and migraines (...although that's not a huge issue with me - I have worse issues).

Also, this doctor didn't seem to think that closing a PFO is as big of a deal as the first cardiologist. He talked about doing 30 a year and doing it on young people as well.

What he wants to do is have me do a TEE and go from there, once he knows better what is going on with my heart. He said there's a chance that it may not be a PFO but something a little different.

The result: I was SOOOOO confused about how different the two appointments were, that I forgot half of the questions I wanted to ask. What is a person supposed to think? I went in today thinking that it wasn't my PFO that was causing me all these problems, and all of a sudden there's somebody who thinks it might be it. Such a roller coaster.

Benjamin and I talked about it, and we decided that since both doctors recommended doing a TEE, I'm going to go ahead and get that done and go from there. This second doctor seemed a lot more "active" about getting things done, so for now I'm going to go with him. I'm waiting for them to call me to let me know when I'm going to go in the hospital (as an outpatient) to get this done. It should be within a week.

Here's how it's going to work: He'll spray my throat with a numbing spray, then they'll give me something in my IV to make me almost sleep. They'll slide a tube in my throat with a device that will take "pictures" of my heart from up close. The procedure takes about 15 minutes. They'll keep me for an hour or two to watch me, and then they'll send me home. I'm sure I'll be out of it that whole day... The doctor said he'll know right there what is going on (once he sees the pictures), so he'll be able to tell us what is going on with my heart.

There. That's the update. Wish me luck. Isn't it silly that the part that worries me about this TEE procedure is feeling "out of it" afterwords??! I'll do what I've gotta do, though. I learned my lesson in October...

Oh, another update: Remember that MRI of my neck I've been waiting for over a month to get approved by my insurance? Well, we found out yesterday that my insurance had never received the request, so we had the neurologist send the request again, and it got approved yesterday. So, I should be able to get that done soon too.

Could it be? Are things actually starting to move in the right direction?

Back to Square One

2009-01-27T05:39:00.000+01:00

WARNING: I've had a BAD day. This is not going to be a "feel-good," "happy-go-lucky," "everything is going to be just fine" post.

The cardiologist I saw today does not think that my symptoms are related to a PFO, IF I have a PFO (he stressed that "if" a few times). He says for sure the accelerated heart beat (my least favorite symptom) is definitely NOT related to PFO. If anything, it might be some other kind of arrhythmia problem. The dizziness, blurry vision, nausea, etc. could be related to a PFO IF they weren't persistant like mine are. In other words, I should have those symptoms only for a very short period of time, and they would basically be an indicator of an imminent stroke. Mine go on way too long to be that (according to him).

What he'd like to do is this:
1) put some kind of monitor on me for 2 weeks to figure out what is going on with those palpitations - any time I feel my heart accelerating, I need to press a button that records what is going on and helps them figure out what is wrong with the heart beat. (I have to wait for them to call me to let me know that a monitor is available.)
2) check out my heart from up closer through a procedure (I forget the name) in which they put me to sleep and go down my throat with a device to take a better look at my heart. That will determine for sure if I, indeed, have a PFO and what else might be amiss.

He said that he wouldn't even consider doing the procedure to close the hole in my heart until he can see a link between my symptoms and the PFO (or, the way I understood it, until I have a stroke or two...). While I was happy that he wasn't trying to just make money off of us by doing the surgery without thinking about it, the whole conversation did not go as I had expected.

He seems to think that my symptoms are neurological in nature, and he encouraged me to get that MRI of my neck done ASAP (I've been waiting on my insurance for that one for over a month now).

So: the neurologist thinks it's a cardiological problem, and the cardiologist thinks it's a neurological problem.

In the meantime, here I am, as miserable as can be, having to "readjust" my thinking yet again about what this whole thing is and how/whether it's going to be fixed and how soon. I can't believe that I was so silly as to think I could teach an Italian class this semester. I had to cancel it tonight, and who knows if I'll be capable of teaching any more.

I'm going to bed. I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and for all this to have been some sort of bad dream. I want to wake up WELL!!! That's all I want.

PS: I'm going to see the other cardiologist on Wednesday morning. We'll see what he has to say... Don't make my mistake, and don't get your hopes up that it will go any better than the previous doctor appointments!

"How many years do I have to wait?!"

2009-01-23T21:59:00.000+01:00

Aurora is a funny little girl. Lately she has a new question that she asks very often. It goes something like this, "How many... do I have to wait for...?" For example, if she asks me to play on my computer (on disney.com or nickjr. com) and I'm using it, I'll ask her to wait until I'm done. About 30 seconds later (I'm not exaggerating!), she lets out a loooong sigh and asks, "How many times do I have to wait to play on the computer?!" (The stress on the unit of measurement and the tone make it more a statement than a question.) All of that is what makes it so funny to me. :)

So, a couple of days ago, Aurora and I were hanging out, and I was on the computer with her just sitting next to me. All of a sudden she started her usual question, "Mom! How many years do I have to wait...?" I was thinking that she would finish her sentence with "...until I can play with your computer?!" Instead, she said, "...until I can marry someone?"

I was completely thrown off. I have no idea where the question came from, and it was an ACTUAL question this time. So I said, "Why? Who do you want to marry?" (all worried that she was going to elope at the age of 4 with some boy... and I wanted to know right away who the culprit was! I know. It's a ridiculous idea, but her question had really thrown me off!) She said, "I don't know. Somebody!" and was kind of irritated that I was not getting the meaning of her question. I regrouped and said, "Well, you have to be AT LEAST 18 in order to be able to marry." Then I quickly added, "but I got married at age 25, and Zia Momi got married at age 30, so you don't HAVE to get married at 18!" (...deep breath in...deep breath out... she's not going to assume that she HAS to get married at 18, is she?...)

She thought about it for a minute, then asked, "When I am 18, then I can marry someone?" And I explained to her that yes, she will be able to do that, but that she needs to find someone -- I was going to say "that your mom and dad really like" but caught myself in time -- that she really loves, who really loves her, and who treats her very, VERY well!! I gave her a few seconds to process what I just said, then I asked, "Why do you want to get married?" (meaning, why did you just think about this and what made you ask me the question??). She said, "Because when I get married then I can have a baby in my belly!" and made a hand gesture to show me how her belly would grow with a baby in it.

So, my little BABY girl is thinking about becoming a mother... at FOUR years old!!! :) And she's thinking about it in terms of PLANNING, like she's planning on going to school when she's 6 and getting her driver's license when she's 16 (or 18 -- I haven't decided yet!) -- both of which we have already discussed. Talk about thinking ahead! I do have to say here that I am very, VERY pleased that in her little head she's planning on having a baby AFTER she is married. Now I can sleep a little easier at night... ;)

Typical!

2009-01-22T18:39:00.001+01:00

On Tuesday morning (two days ago) I got a call. It was an automated message reminding me that I had my cardiologist appointment on Thursday (today), and that if I needed to cancel, I had to give them a 24-hour notice. I went about my day and left to do some things with Aurora. I got home just after 5pm that evening and found a message from the same office, in which I was informed that the cardiologist I was supposed to see today is no longer with them. They said I needed to call them back to set another appointment with a different doctor at their office. WHAT?! What happened between 9am and 5pm?!

My theories are that either the cardiologist had a fight with his associates and he was either kicked out or he quit, or he screwed up big time. If it's the second, then I'm glad to find that out before he performs surgery on me...

This just complicated things a bit, but to make a long story short, I now have an appointment with a cardiologist in the same office on Monday, and I have an appointment with one that we pulled off of the insurance list on Wednesday. I'm still waiting for the neurologist to call back to let me know if there's someone else he wants to refer me to...

Bottom line: MORE WAITING!!! I had literally been counting down the days to today...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAPI BENJAMIN!!!

2009-01-20T21:59:00.000+01:00

I know I've been posting a lot about Benjamin (see "Husband Brag Tag" Parts I & II), but seeing that he's on top of the list as far as my favorite people (love you, honey!) and seeing that it's his birthday today, here I go again.

This picture of him was taken on our trip to Switzerland last summer during a walk along the Lugano lake with my brother Massimo. I love this picture because he is truly smiling here... and as you know (if you've been reading my posts), I LOVE his smile.

One thing you may not know about Benjamin is that he likes to be a clown. You don't believe me? Check this photo out:

Usually, his goofiness is related to his time spent with Aurora... and she follows suit (...or is it the other way around?!):

We know that he loves us soooooo much! Especially his little girl!!

But one thing is for sure: WE LOVE OUR PAPI BENJAMIN too!!!! We love to hug him and kiss him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENJAMIN!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!

-Ilaria & Aurora :)

Oh, Patience... Where Art Thou?

2009-01-19T06:58:00.000+01:00

Why is it that patience comes and goes? Is it just me? I do so well with it for days and days, then I wake up one morning and it is GONE! So then I spend all day thinking, "Oh! I shouldn't have said that!", "I really should have been nicer!", or "I should have waited before saying or doing anything." Days like these make me feel like they nullify all of the other "good patience days" I've had before this lone one. Do you know what I mean? And I wonder if my daughter is going to remember the 15 days in a row where I was patient or the 1 day where I wasn't. Hmmmmm... something tells me it's going to be the latter. Pretty depressing! :( ...Does anyone know the secret for being perfect every day? ;) Hopefully, tomorrow I'll wake up with PATIENCE! Wish me luck!

Wise Advice Part II

2009-01-16T19:31:00.000+01:00

As I mentioned in my last post, my friend Natalie suggested that I call the cardiologist and not wait for him to call me. I followed her advice yesterday, and now I have an appointment set for next Thursday with him. Had I not had such great friends like Abby and Natalie, and had I waited around, I'd be going to see the neurologist next Wednesday rather than two days ago (as my appointment was originally set for the 21st), and then I'd probably be waiting around for another couple of weeks to be able to get in and see the cardiologist. Like I said... I have such smart friends.:)

Neurologist Appointment

2009-01-15T18:41:00.000+01:00

The appointment with my neurologist went well. So, I do have PFO, and wouldn't you know it, I have the worst kind (a number 4 on a scale of 1 to 4; 4 being the biggest possible hole).

Here's what he explained to us about my condition: because the hole in my heart didn't close after birth, some of the blood coming into one side of my heart basically goes straight through the other side of my heart, thus skipping the important intermediate step of going into the lungs first before going on to my brain and the rest of my body. This means that there are parts of my body that don't get enough oxygen (hence the spot in my brain where cells have basically died off - he'll have to confirm this with another MRI - see below), and it also means that I have an increased chance of having a stroke (apparently the lungs help dissolve small blood clots), which is why I'm on an Aspirin regimen now (to thin my blood to help prevent strokes and such). Don't quote me on all this... this is just what I understand of my condition.

Click here to learn more about PFO. This site explains things in simple words and even has a couple of short videos.

The neurologist told me that I could go on living my life as it is right now if I want to. Or, if I tell him that I absolutely hate my symptoms (the worst of which are stroke-like symptoms such as dizziness, blurry vision, and pain down one side of my body), then he'll help me get it fixed. My immediate reply was: I DO hate this, and I've been having 2 out of the 3 stroke-like symptoms he mentioned (plus a few others) for the last 3 months or so.

He explained that the procedure is simple: they make a small incision in my groin, and they go into a vein in my leg with a small catheter with some sort of memory (...I didn't understand the memory part...). Once they reach my heart, they press a button, and an umbrella-like material gets released in the heart covering both sides of the hole. That's the end of it. Gradually, my heart then builds muscle around it and closes the hole for good. He said I am then fixed for life. :)

While he was talking to me and explaining my condition and the plan as to how to take care of things, I couldn't help thinking that I was soooooooo glad I already knew that I had PFO going in to the appointment (and had researched it, etc.), otherwise I wouldn't have understood a word of what he was saying. I probably would have heard "hole in your heart" and then "blah, blah, blaaaaah" for 15 minutes.

Can I just say that I was very glad Benjamin was there with me to basically hear what the doctor was actually saying (rather than what I thought he was saying), so that later he was able to clarify things by telling me not what I had heard, but what the neurologist had actually said. For example, the doctor told me he still wants me to do one final test: an MRI of my neck, to make sure I don't have MS, since he did find a spot in my brain. What I heard was this (I'm paraphrasing...): "You still need to do the MRI of your neck because there's a good chance that you have MS after all, which would mean that you have both PFO and MS." This is what Benjamin heard: "The MRI of your neck is a standard test that I ask all my patients with your same symptoms to do. It's just a precaution to rule out the possibility of MS. The chances of you having both PFO and MS are very slim, but I just want to rule that out." A bit different, isn't it?! :)

Here's the plan now:
1) I have to wait for my insurance to approve the MRI of my neck and for someone to call me to set an appointment.
2) I have to wait for the cardiologist to call me to make an appointment.
In other words, "don't call them; they'll call you!" type thing. Can I use a sentence my daughter seems to say a lot lately? "Non mi piace aspettare!" (translation: "I don't like to wait!). :) Actually, my friend Natalie has already told me I should just call the cardiologist's office, tell them who I am and that my neurologist is sending me to them and set up an appointment. I have such smart friends!

I have to say I really, really like my neurologist. People complain that he's not very personable, but I'll take "smart" and "knows what he's doing" over "nice" and "chatty" any day when it comes to doctors! I can't help but think about my last neurologist a year an a half ago who saw that same spot in my brain and diagnosed me with STRESS! Had I gone to this doctor instead, he would have found this out a year and a half ago!!!

He also made me feel really good about the cardiologist he's referring me to. He said that he's not sending me to just any cardiologist, but to one who understands this problem and who has experience fixing it all the time. Can you believe that he said that 35% of people have my same heart condition? Only, for the majority of them, the condition is asymptomatic, and so they never know they have it. A lot of times the only way people ever find out is if they have a stroke without any other cause, and ultimately it leads back to PFO ...Not to freak anyone out or anything...

Oh, one last thing. I asked him if he thinks that it was my miscarriage with the severe blood loss I had that triggered these symptoms after all these years of being asymptomatic. He said he had the same theory but that my blood tests don't show any evidence of that, but if he were to guess, he would say that it was most likely cardiovascular changes due to my pregnancy rather than my miscarriage that made things worse. So, now I'm VERY interested in finding out if my heart condition could have had something to do with both of my miscarriages over the last couple of years. If it does, then wouldn't that mean that I can have high hopes to have another baby after my heart gets fixed??! (...Please tell me if I'm totally off here...).

I'll keep you updated! Take care of your hearts!!!! :)

Wise Advice

2009-01-14T05:48:00.001+01:00

My friend Abby taught me something very wise: if you call the doctor's office every day asking if there have been any cancellations so that you can get in sooner, you will bug them enough that they will actually get you in sooner (...well, Abby told me in nicer words; this is just me paraphrasing...).

You want proof? I called my neurologist's office on Sunday, then on Monday, then this morning, and tonight they called me back asking me to go in tomorrow night - a whole entire week sooner than my previously set appointment. Yeah! Thanks, Abby, you wise, wise, woman! :) I am VERY anxious to hear what the neurologist has to say. I'll keep you posted...

Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO)

2009-01-12T06:54:00.001+01:00

This is UNOFFICIAL news (I got the info indirectly from the technician who performed a TCD Bubble Study on me today, and not from the neurologist, so hopefully I'm not jumping to conclusions too soon): I have PFO, otherwise known as "a hole in the heart."

I'm really too tired and "thought out" (i.e., I've thought about this way too much already today) to go into a huge long explanation of what I understand this to be, but if you type "PFO" into google, you'll be surprised (or will you?) about how much the explanations can be scary and freak people out. Anyway, you'll be able to understand it better if you read it from a medical source than with me trying to tell you what I think I know...

In a twisted way, I'm "happy" (I feel funny using this word) to know what is wrong with me because over the last 2 months or so I've been living with my symptoms trying to tough it out and telling myself that it would just go away eventually and that nothing was wrong (...mainly because everyone else was telling me this...). The truth is that in my heart of hearts (...ironic, isn't it? "Heart" of "hearts"?) I felt that something wasn't right. So, there. I was right about that and I wasn't just overreacting. (Very minor victory, I know...)

I'm sure I'll be posting more about this. I just wanted to let you all know. I have an official appointment with my neurologist in a week and a half (can you believe I have to wait that long??!!) while in the meantime I was told to start taking one Aspirin a day (...you'll understand why when you read about this condition).

Apparently PFO is a very common condition, so chances are that some of you reading this blog may know someone who has had the same thing. Will you please write me and tell me what you know? Happy-ending, successful stories are going to be most welcome right about NOW...

Thanks to you all.

The Husband Brag Tag Part 2

2009-01-08T20:30:00.000+01:00

Tina tagged me back with another fun post about husbands. This is really fun! I love talking about Benjamin!

1. Where Did You Meet?

In Rome, Italy. We were both missionaries there. Sometime I should write about my first impression of him (...not so good... but it wasn't his fault - I was in the middle of my mission, and by then I was very impatient with missionaries... they tended to get in the way of my missionary work).

2. How Long Did You Date Before You Were Married?

Hmmmm. This one is hard. We didn't "date" very much in the official American "dating" sense... (another long story...). But I would say almost 6 months.

3. How Long Have You Been Married?

8 years and 8 months.

4. What is One Thing that He Does that Surprises You?

He can figure out how to do anything. Seriously, ANYTHING. He is just soooo smart. Most people don't know this about him because he doesn't talk much, and he can come off as nerdy at times (ha, ha, ha!), but he seriously is one incredibly smart man. If he doesn't know something, he'll figure it out in no time. (...Oh, the miracles of google...) ;)

5. What is Your Favorite Feature About Him?

His smile. He has the most beautiful set of teeth. And when he grows a goatee and he smiles... he's just so handsome! (See picture above.) I love seeing him smile and laugh. He really should do more of that... :)

6. What is Your Favorite Quality About Him?

His willingness to teach me about things I don't know or know little about, like American history and politics, for example. (We have been known for discussing matters such as the Middle East situation or some historical fact for 3 or 4 hours straight on our long drives to and from Utah). He never makes me feel silly for asking a question or for not knowing something, no matter what the topic is or how many times he's already explained something to me.

7. Does He have a Nickname for you?

"My magicalhunnybunny" :)

8. What is His Favorite Color?

He doesn't have one (...though for a while I was convinced his favorite color was red...). He likes ALL colors.

9. What is his Favorite Food?

Strawberries and any kind of cheese (especially exotic kinds).

10. What is His Favorite Sport?

Baseball!!! Without a doubt.

11. Who said "I love you" first?

He did. He wrote it in a letter... which is how he got my full attention. ;)

12. When and Where was your First Kiss?
It was in Las Vegas, in his parents' house, the night that he got back from his mission (he had been released weeks earlier) in October of 1999. His mom "caught" us too, which was quite embarrassing (...for me, anyway...)!

13. What is Your Favorite Thing to do as a Couple?

Other than hanging out at home together and playing games with Aurora, I would have to say that we enjoy going to the ballet or other L.V. shows.

14. Do you have Kids?

Aurora, 4, who's our little ray of sunshine.

15. What is a Hidden Talent of His?

He has a sixth sense about people and things. It's really amazing, actually! I won't tell you more because it's one of those private things that he'll have to tell you about if he chooses to do so.

16. How old is he?
He'll be 32 in less than two weeks (on January 20th).

17. What do you admire most about him?

His ability to truly and deeply love.

18. What is his Favorite past time?

Learning things (on the computer, on documentaries, in books, ...).

19. What is his Favorite kind of music?

Anything that he can sing along with (...I guess that's pretty vague...).

20. Do you think he will read this?

Yes, of course. And then he'll tell me if I did a good job answering these questions or not. :)

I tag anyone who wants to brag about their husband (but you have to start with the first Husband Brag Tag). :)

Bookends

2009-01-06T07:40:00.000+01:00

The Setting

Every family goes through its share of challenges, navigating through the bumpy waters of life. Our first few years as a family were no exception, but I felt rather than the standard metaphor of navigating open seas, the Peltier family seemed to be negotiating the tricks of accelerating through a parking lot. We were bounded by the limits of Ilaria's immigration status, and we had the typical financial limitations of most new couples where it seems every time you're ready to get going and lay it all out, you run into another speed bump. These were the normal bumps and bruises though, the ones that everyone tells you to expect, and we listened and took it all in stride. After three years of these challenges though, we were losing our patience and ready to get moving out of that parking lot.

Toward the end of 2003, we found ourselves in a situation where we had just bought a house, and I had been laid off twice in the same year (the first time, in the very week we signed the papers to buy the house). To make ends meet, I was freelancing (doing everything from writing and editing projects to painting houses, to cleaning boats). Ilaria, for her part, was teaching pretty consistently, tutoring where she could, and was earning extra income by nannying part-time. Although we were getting paid to take care of other people's kids and houses, doctors were starting to tell us it would be tough to have our own kids to fill our house.

2004: The Year of Miracles

To keep our heads up as 2004 approached, we dubbed it "The Year of Miracles" and waited anxiously to see what would come out of the New Year -- if our fortunes would change. We had a long trip to Switzerland planned for the holidays. We were down to our last pennies, and even though it was pretty irresponsible leaving Las Vegas behind and risking having nothing to return to, we took off (literally) for greener pastures, not really knowing what would happen when we came back.

A few weeks before leaving, I took the Law School Admissions Test (trying to open doors wherever they could be opened). None of the other numerous jobs I'd applied for had gotten back to me except to tell me "thanks but no thanks"... until the day before we left for Switzerland.

I got a call that day from a subcontractor for the Yucca Mountain Project asking if I could start for them immediately. With flights already booked and bags already packed (and not having been steadily employed for months), I took a big risk and said, "I can't start now, but I can do so in the middle of January." The company called me back (after what seemed like a tremendous delay but was probably only a matter of minutes) and told me the position would be waiting for me when I got back.

We went to Switzerland and had a wonderful time putting 2003 behind us and looking forward to a 2004 I'd start WITH A JOB, and it started nicely.

After a nice rest in Switzerland, we came back home and I started my job (a six-month contract) with the Yucca Mountain Project working on an application for a license from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to receive and possess nuclear waste. We also found out upon arriving home that Ilaria was pregnant! The next month, I got letters from schools in Las Vegas and Chicago accepting me to law school. Although Chicago is probably the school I preferred, the fact I had a new job and a pregnant wife convinced me to stay in Las Vegas. As February progressed, the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl (though it seems trivial, my New England sports moments are still momentous for me) AND our OBGYN confirmed that Ilaria was, indeed, pregnant (even more momentous than the Patriots!).

My six-month contract turned into 8 months and then a year (I'm still here almost 5 years later). Aurora was born in September, and she was there with me to see the Red Sox come from behind to knock the Yankees out of the ALCS and to win the World Series (something I had spent my whole life waiting for, and she got to see it at just a month old!). Our life seemed like it was back on track -- and skyrocketing at that! In fact, as we reviewed our 2004, the only event that didn't go our way was George Bush's re-election (I was staunchly advocating for a Democratic win and was shocked when the Republicans pulled it off).

That year (the year of miracles) was the first end on what we thought was going to be a tough but fulfilling 4 years of work and law school that we had ahead of us. We forgot to take into account some laws of physics though: we didn't have enough tangential velocity to enter a circumnavigating orbit that would keep us from crashing into the ground, or rather, our skyrocketing year didn't push us to that escape velocity that would have pulled us past the world's gravitational pull that keeps everything grounded. Simply stated, what goes up must come down.

The Middle Years

And it didn't come all down at once like the Challenger or Columbia disasters; it was a slow and steady pelting that weakened us. 2005 was, for the most part, uneventful. Ilaria began her doctoral program and was teaching, and I was working full time on the license application and going to school at nights. Slowly, the friction began to build up, and the nights seemed to get longer and the days shorter. In January of 2006, Ilaria had a crazed student threaten her and Aurora's lives. We had restraining orders and hearings, police escorts, FBI reports, and all sorts of nightmares. I started having some significant health problems of my own and went through every kind of test you can imagine (and some you can't... from needles--most people know how much I LOVE those--to drinking radioactive material to a series of electric shocks). Eventually, after months of testing I went to enough doctors that we finally discovered I have a sleep disorder, which even explained a lot about problems I had since I was little. Once I knew what the problem was, I was able to come up with strategies to mitigate its effects on my life.

In addition to trying to stay healthy ourselves, we found we had a string of bad luck keeping our pet cats alive. Our poor kitty Zucchero survived being shot by someone only to be run over a few months later in January of 2007. His twin brother Sale got sick a little after that and just disappeared (we assume he did that kitty thing where he picked a place where we wouldn't suffer the trauma of finding him). The microchip we had implanted in him never brought him back to us, so he must have hid well.

Our goals of growing our family (now taking the form of adopting special needs children) continued to run into procedural snags and delays, as did the expansion of our house we planned as part of those goals. We worked through our hectic schedules and stresses, and we had our ups and downs, but ultimately we felt like we were going to be able to pull it all together. Ilaria got pregnant again in February of 2007, and we started work on the house addition that we'd planned for a year. I also got my studies back on track after faltering slightly with the health issues I faced the year before. But that hopeful start to 2007 sputtered out quickly when we lost the baby and when our contractor began making severe mistakes in our building project and wasting a lot of money (and time), so we ultimately had to spend a Las Vegas summer with no roof on our house. Needless to say, we fired him, and I still haven't finished everything that should have been finished on the house over a year ago.

The final straw (and I need to be careful with the pun here because I don't want to imply that my wife is a camel) was when Ilaria injured her back. The good news in that diagnosis was that despite spending a lot of time (and money) on doctors who were preparing us for a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, and wrangling with our insurance company to allow the doctors to run the tests necessary to come up with a proper diagnosis, we finally abandoned the American medical system and funded our own testing in Switzerland. Three months of spinning our wheels and throwing away money at home while doctors abdicated their professionalism to our insurance company were washed away in a week in Switzerland where a doctor not on the insurance company's puppet strings told us about Ilaria's herniated disk(s). The bad news was that the problem got worse, to the point that Ilaria was more or less crippled for several months. She had to quit a great job she had as a visiting lecturer at UNLV, she slept in a recliner for months, and in addition to my full-time job (30 minutes to an hour away from home, depending on traffic) and my law school classes (3 hours per night), I got the additional tasks of being a nurse and assistant housekeeper (although I have to say that Ilaria did a fantastic job of keeping things orderly in the house and with Aurora despite having the mobility of a 90-year-old). It helped tremendously that we were able to hire a housekeeper and a nanny to help out (what would we have done without them!?!?!).

2008: The Year of @&%$#

2008 started off full of promise because we could see the light at the end of the law school tunnel. Ilaria, though delayed by her health problems, was also getting continually closer to finishing her doctoral degree. In addition, I was close to finally finishing the license application I had worked on for so long (we had a June deadline) at work. We planned for July to be the end of the line to put those two issues to rest and to get ready to move on to the next miracle. This would be the other bookend on our 4 years. If 2004 was the opening of all of the doors, 2008 looked like we'd be closing them and moving on to a new chapter in our lives. Those doors started closing with a bang!

Four years earlier, we started off with the dawn of a new life, and in the first week of 2008, we were reminded of our own mortality when my grandmother fell and injured herself. That was the beginning of a period of three months that tried everyone individually and as a family as we all sought to cope with her pending loss. She quickly deteriorated and passed away in March of 2008.

I was in the closing days of my law school experience, Ilaria was collecting data for her doctoral dissertation, the clock was ticking for my work deadline to submit that license application... and I went back to Cape Cod for the first time in 20 years. And I'm sure Ilaria has a similar experience whenever we cross the border from Italy into Switzerland... or other people can relate with their own special place... where the world just falls away, and you're home.

Although I'm sure it would be different if I had a job there or if I hadn't been on the errand of taking my grandmother's body home, but I found myself in a place where the ordinary rules of space and time didn't apply. There I stood with my daughter in my woods, at my beach... on the front stoop of my house, and I could feel ME, some entity I recognized but was trapped in some boondoggle of the space-time continuum. What was more significant was that I saw that Aurora saw me--that me that's her too.

As with all vacations, those glimpses eventually end as our obligations drive us away from beautiful places to the lone and dreary world where we spend most of our time.

We went back to Las Vegas, and I finished my degree and the license application. And we went again to Switzerland, and Ilaria's family's cabin was a place just like Cape Cod, where the world stopped. There, I slept like I never sleep, my cruddy knees started getting strong again to the point that I went running in the mornings, and Ilaria hiked, when just months before it was difficult for her to stand up. We never wanted to come back, but we had to.

And our depression from leaving that place was temporarily lifted when we found out the cabin had worked another miracle, and Ilaria was pregnant.

Obviously, that joy was short lived.

Bookends

So here we are... it's been four years. And the two ends complement each other perfectly. The Patriots and Red Sox championships of 2004 rounded out with disappointing losses in 2008. We started work on law school and a license application in 2004 and ended it in 2008. 2004 introduced us to the miracle of life while 2008 reminded us of the reality of death. We sprinkled each of those years with financially irresponsible (but emotionally necessary) jets across the world, but in 2004 our investments more than doubled in value while in 2008 our grocery, gas, and electric bills have doubled. The only thing that went wrong for us in 2004 was the presidential election, and that seems to be the only thing to this point that has gone right in 2008.

The two years fit together nicely like bookends on our experience, and sometimes I feel that such elegance and symmetry is what makes this universe work so well. It's like dancing a hesitation waltz, and I'm stopped on my standing foot and waiting for the other to slowly, but majestically, round itself into the standing position. I look at this cycle, and for my sanity's sake I want to believe that it bundles all of that tension I've had over these past years nicely... a pretty published package that allows me to display it on a shelf while I pull down a new volume to start writing in.

2009 is upon us and change is imminent in our lives. I'm looking forward to it like someone who has just eaten himself full and asked the waiter to surprise me with dessert: I don't know if it will be chocolate, a tort, or maybe a nice sherbet, but however it turns out, I'm expecting it to be sweet.

Seven Random Things About Me

2008-12-23T23:00:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged by Jeanne to write 7 random things about me. (Love you Jeanne!) I have to premise this by saying that it was hard for me to think of 7 things about me (much easier to think about someone else's tings). Also, the things I have listed here are weird, and I fully acknowledge that, but this is who I am (plus it makes for a funner, more interesting reading, I think). Here it goes...

I cannot watch movies (or shows) that are scary, violent in any way (I'm talking PG-13 material!), or that have unhappy endings. In fact, I have learned to just say no in order to avoid getting sick over things I watch (and I WILL get upset!). Also, unlike everyone else out there, I LOVE for people to tell me the ending of a movie or even the whole story before watching it, especially if I am worried that there might be too much violence, scary scenes, or just plain unhappiness! I enjoy the movie better that way once I watch it. So, my favorite kind of movie is a good old chick flick (but please, no super-cheesy, airhead, ridiculous ones!) followed by family movies I can happily watch with Aurora. My theory is that because I grew up without a TV in my early years and then had very restricted opportunities to watch anything when I was older (I mean, a 30-minute cartoon show on Saturday night and that was IT!), I can tell myself over and over that a movie is "just a movie" that actors are "just acting" and whatever else, but my emotions just run wild, and I've been known for crying and being very upset over an unhappy movie ending for days...
I'm one of those few people who would love to know when and how I am going to die. Not knowing drives me absolutely nuts. I stay up nights agonizing about this. Yes, I know, I'm supposed to accept what I can't control, have faith, blah, bla, blahhhh! I just really, truly LOVE this life. All I can say is that it had better be REALLY nice in the afterlife to not make me miss this one, and that if I go first in my family, and if there's a way of coming back once I go, I will find it and use it. ;)
I get upset and angry when I witness an unfair situation, especially if I see parents who treat their children unfairly or unequally. I think people should be treated equally and that there shouldn't be differences or preferences especially among siblings on the part of the parents. This is also a really big worry of mine: I often worry about how fair and equal I would be if I had more than one child.
I cannot handle hearing babies/children cry (not the fake kind of cry, but the true pain or sadness cry) whether it's my child or someone else's. Not because it gets on my nerves, but because I feel the immediate and overwhelming urge to do something to help them be happy again. If I don't do something to help (and nobody else will either), I get sick to my stomach. Their crying signifies hurt and pain to me, and I need to fix it if nobody else will. I cannot stand movies, news, or stories in which children are hurt, missing, or worse because they make me physically ill.
I often dream of having real money. Beside the peace of mind it would provide, what I dream about having it for are all of the things I could do with it to help the people I know (things I could buy for them, debts I could extinguish, medical care I could assist with, dreams I could help turn into reality, education fees I could pay for, peace of mind I could help provide, etc.). After taking care of all the people I know, I daydream about how cool it would be to still have money to hire someone whose sole job would be to find people in real need that I could help with my money (anonymously, of course). Wouldn't that be just a fantastic way to spend your life? (I am fully aware of the impossibility of this dream in more ways than one.)
I have always wanted to adopt a sibling group of children. I started thinking about this when I was a teenager and discovered that there are children that grow up without parents - they're unwanted - or that get split up and are adopted by different families. I think this one combines my dislike of unfairness and my urge to help children in need with my love for children and family. If I get the opportunity to do it, I really want to turn this dream into reality one day.
I sleep with six pillows (it used to be eight, so I'm improving a little). Benjamin calls them the "Ben blocker(s)" ;)... With my bad back, I need to have one pillow behind my back, two under my head, one under my knees, and one on each side of me for when I turn over in order to have the support I need. I sleep mostly on my back. Growing up, I always slept on my stomach and could never fall asleep on my back. If I were to try it now, I would seriously not be able to move or even turn over in the morning, even with a pillow under my belly. So, it's six pillows instead...

I tag anybody who reads this blog (the last time I tagged specific people, nobody picked up on the tag...) ;) Write 7 random things about yourself on your blog!

Eat Your Heart out Nonno Emilio!

2008-12-15T22:27:00.000+01:00

I had to drive Ilaria's car to work today because my battery was dead (I couldn't even jump start it!), which is why you see it in the pictures below. From earlier posts, you probably know that Aurora's been wanting to see snow, so Nonno Emi (Ilaria's dad) sent a picture of what looks like a 7-foot-tall Frosty to give her a snow fix.

Well, my version (pictured below) doesn't quite measure up in size, but considering I'm in the middle of the desert in a drought, I think the effort required for my Frosty gets me some points!

(And maybe this can give the readers some perspective as to why I complain about where I work since it's still snowing non-stop at my office, and it hasn't even snowed a flake at home.)

Aurora, I'd shovel some in the back of the car for you, honey, but I think I'd just have a puddle by the time I finished my commute!

It's been a few hours, so I figured I'd post an update:

Aurora's Frosty

2008-12-14T06:18:00.000+01:00

Nonno Emi (my dad) was true to his word, and today we got these pictures (below) of the snowman he built for Aurora. She had told him on the phone that she had changed her mind and didn't want him to name the snowman "Aurora" anymore (she thought that would be kind of strange) and asked him to name him "Frosty" instead. So, let me introduce you to Frosty... the giant snowman! :)

Nonna Gaby (my mom) said that she went out to see what my dad was up to with the snowman, and she was expecting to see a small one. Not so, as you can see in the pictures. My dad is a pretty tall guy, and yet Frosty towers over him.:) My mom said that Nonno Emi only used a bit of snow that was around there and that there was much, much more everywhere. They made a sign (the one you see in the pictures) that says, "Hi Aurora. I'm Frosty." So cute! (I'll have to post about Aurora and how she came to really like Frosty. Maybe in my next post.)

I thought it was so sweet of my dad to make the snowman for his only grandchild who lives across the world, who is so sad because it doesn't snow in Las Vegas (though we're keeping our fingers crossed for tomorrow: they said it might snow!), and who will never actually see her special Frosty the snowman in person... Thanks dad! Thanks mom for taking the pictures! Thanks Zio Maci for helping! :)

Let it Snow...

2008-12-11T20:12:00.000+01:00

My mom sent me these pictures of freshly fallen snow outside their house in Arosio, Switzerland a couple of days ago. The weather forecast is predicting even more snow tomorrow... (Living in Las Vegas, we get excited about things like... uh, I don't know... non-deserty things...) :)

After Aurora saw these pictures, and after reading an email from her Nonno Emi about how he is going to build a snowman and name it "Aurora", we went into the kitchen to make dinner. As Aurora was sitting on a stool, she suddenly started sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, and through her tears she told me that she wants to go to Switzerland. She wants to move there because she wants to see snow and build a snowman. I tried to make her feel better by saying that we might take a little trip to Utah after Christmas, so that we can see some snow and build a snowman. She wouldn't hear any of it. She doesn't want to go to Utah; she wants to go to Switzerland!!! ...Well, it was hard to disagree with her: I want to go to Switzerland too. :(

P.S.: Let me point out that today Aurora and I were out and about, and it was so warm in the sun that we had to crack the windows in the car, and we had to take our jackets off and be in our t-shirts. Yeah. You gotta love Las Vegas in the winter!

The Fountain (& Deiro)

2008-12-09T23:02:00.000+01:00

You might as well know (in case you haven't noticed yet) that I am forever going to play catch-up with our pictures on this blog. So, don't be confused if I tell you about last weekend's events and then jump into last summer's. Too many pictures, too little time to blog.

This blog is about "the fountain" in the mountains by my family's cabin in Deiro, Switzerland. Let me give you some background information. My father started building the cabin before he married my mom and built the cabin from scratch doing most of the work by himself, as you can see in the pictures below.

Here's a picture of my father digging the cabin's foundation (what a hunk, huh? ;)):

Here are a few pictures to show you the progression of his work:

Here are pictures of the balcony under construction. My mom was brave enough to have my 3-year-old brother standing and sitting on it while she was pregnant herself (with ME!). :) If I remember correctly, I have seen a picture of a kid plastic swimming pool sitting on that unfinished balcony with my brother happily splashing in it. She was definitely more brave than I would ever be! Check it out:

As I may have already mentioned in previous posts, we spent EVERY summer at the cabin in Deiro growing up. The cabin is about 1.5 hours away from the apartment we grew up in, so my dad would go to work Monday-Friday and come spend the weekend with us every week for about 2-3 months in the summer. If you ask any of us kids how we liked being up there all the time, year after year, you may get different answers. As for me, I LOVED being up there. Deiro is my favorite place on earth if I haven't mentioned that yet...

When Benjamin, Aurora and I were in Switzerland during this past summer, we took lots of hikes by my family's cabin. On our way to the Peltier family's favorite mountaintop, we regularly passed by a fountain. Fountains like these are everywhere in the mountains of the Italian region of Switzerland. They provide fresh spring water for people and animals (i.e., cows) alike, but what makes this one significant is that it was one of the Nardotto family's favorite stops when we were little. Check these pictures out...

Here's my dad holding Naomi, and standing in front of him are me and Massimo:

When Aurora saw this picture, she recognized her Nonno Emi and Zio Maci right away, and then she thought that it was her in the picture instead of me... and she had no idea who the baby might be. :)

My mom joined us in the next picture and traded my dad holding the baby:

When Aurora saw this picture, she recognized her Nonna Gaby right away too, and then she commented that she has pig tails that look just like mine in this picture.

...And here it is: THE fountain picture. I've looked at it so many times over the years that it's ingrained in my head. I love it! Don't you love the socks and mismatching clothes?!! I also happen to agree with Aurora and think that my daughter looks just like me, especially her hair and the facial expressions she makes. Oh, and notice that the walking stick my brother is holding is the same exact one you'll see in our pictures from last summer:

Aurora is still puzzled that the baby in the picture is her Zia Momi. Ha, ha, ha ;)

Here's is me now with my own daughter who was just a bit younger than I was in the previous pictures:
This is completely fascinating to me: the thought of fast-forwarding 30 years or so and being in the same exact place that looks exactly the same it did 30 years ago (no building boom up there...). I'm sure the fact that I live so far away from this place makes it even more intriguing to me.

Here are my favorite two people in the world being as cute as they can be (with the same walking stick from 30 years ago!!):

And, of course, Aurora had to have a turn taking pictures:

She asked for funny faces...:

After seeing these pictures, Aurora told me that she wants to move to Switzerland to live there, and that she can then have a cat. (Background information on that last statement: after losing our two beautiful twin cats a couple of years ago - one under a car and one to sickness - we told Aurora that we are not going to have any more cats while we live here in Las Vegas; but if we move somewhere where cats can play freely outside without us having to worry about them getting shot or run over, then we'll get another cat.)

I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again: I feel an overwhelming happiness when I think about how lucky I am to come from such a beautiful place as Switzerland. I am so happy that I got to experience such beauty and a life in the mountains growing up. I definitely took it for granted while I was there (as everyone does with things they're accustomed to), and now that I've been living in the quite opposite reality of the Las Vegas desert for a few years, I can't help missing my Swiss mountains (of course), but I also simply feel HAPPY that no matter where I am, how old I am, or how much time I spend away from my mountains, I will always be a part of them, and they will always be a part of me. Always. And when I am there, I'm home.

There's a poem that Benjamin wrote last summer as we were walking back from our last hike and as we were preparing to say goodbye to Deiro before returning back to Las Vegas. I've asked him for permission to post it here. It is the perfect poem:

I Deiro
by Benjamin D. Peltier
August 16, 2008

I am that my heart beats to the rhythm of cowbells
    ca-land ca-lank da-lain
a raspberry fleshiness I keep guarded in a patch of nettle.

Tlee! Tlee! Call out an army of insects
    grass              hoppers
that spring out the tickle in my legs
                                   a butterfly dances the flutter
in my gut.
                Foooo- hah
Oh thin air to fill my lungs
a gasp for breath through the musky smells of pastures.

I the montanaro! Green me I be.

Tendrils drill from my feet deep the roots that hold me to this mountainside.
My sweat a hundred cascades of rumbling stream.

Shoosh!

This me, dare I say, is I, Deiro!

Play by FoxSaver®

Health Update

2008-12-08T08:13:00.000+01:00

If anyone is wondering how my health has been, here is the update:

A month and a half after the miscarriage nightmare, I'm still suffering from mild to severe (depending on the day) dizziness, vertigo, and nausea. It's been coming and going, but since Thanksgiving day it has been constant. In fact, I spent almost 6 days in bed in a row (we missed our Thanksgiving dinner because of this!) waiting for the world to stop spinning and for me to be able to walk around like a normal person. It's all still spinning, but I have better moments than others.

I have been through countless tests: ears and hearing related, heart related, brain related (I had an MRI done last week - NOT fun when you're already dizzy and you're stuck in a stinking machine that vibrates and makes deafening sounds for almost an hour!), blood related... You name it, and I've tested for it! I still haven't heard back about my heart tests results, but everything else has come back negative (i.e., nothing is showing why I should be feeling the way that I feel). Of course, (you've gotta love doctors!) they have put notions in my head of having MS (again!) or needing a pacemaker, thus giving me things to think, stress, and worry about all these endless days and nights. Isn't that nice of them?!

So, here's my very simple question: couldn't all this be related to the astronomical amount of blood I lost a month and a half ago with consequent huge drop in blood pressure and such? I keep telling doctors that the symptoms I have now (dizziness, vertigo, nausea, etc.) are EXACTLY the same I've had since that first night when I had to be transported to the hospital and get my fist blood transfusion. In fact, they are so much the same, that about 2 weeks ago, when I had my first drastic spell of vertigo outside of the hospital, I started freaking out thinking that something was wrong with my blood, so I made Benjamin take me to the ER so they could check my blood counts. The counts came back PERFECT. Although I felt very silly for having gone in, I also felt a huge sense of relief knowing that my blood and blood pressure were both just fine. Since then, I've been trying to figure out what it is that's causing all this.

What does it all mean? I don't know, but I can tell you that it's affecting us big time. Mainly, I am (once again, like during my herniated disk episodes) virtually useless: I can't really drive (I only do it on good days), which means that I can't take Aurora to preschool or pick her up, I can't do anything around the house, and all I do is sit or recline all day. Plus, I eat only when my nausea lets me, Benjamin has had to be home a whole lot, and I feel very, very helpless not knowing what this is and how long it's going to take until it goes away (here's assuming that it will go away...). Talk about FRUSTRATION!!! And poor Aurora, she hasn't had her "real" mom around for over a month! All she does is watch movies and play on my computer... such great parenting!

I've decided that if I had the choice, I would take being incapacitated because of my back over this. I'm in less pain and am more functional like this, but the fact that my mind isn't very clear with all of this spinning around, the fact that I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with how unpredictable these attacks are, and the fact that I don't know what this is or what triggers the attacks, all make me want to trade this "thing" (illness? situation? issue? stupid @#[}*@&??? - not that I'm losing my patience or anything...) for my usual herniated disk troubles. HA! I bet you never thought you'd hear me say that!!

Thanksgiving, Part 2

2008-11-26T22:51:00.001+01:00

I was recruited by the editor-in-chief of this blog to make my own list of things I'm thankful for, and just as I'm reluctant to accept editorial assignments from my boss at work, I've dragged my heals with this assignment as well. Really, she's done such a great job with her own list, can't I just sum mine up by saying, "Ditto"? For example, look at #1 on Ilaria's list...I too am thankful for myself. I am an amazing husband!

Despite the redundancy, I'll go through with the task and make a list like hers with items listed in no particular order, and since she's covered everything, I'll try to put my own spin on each:

1) My amazing wife: What I'm thankful for most about her is not what most guys are thankful for in their wives... Yes, I'm thankful she's HOT, that she cooks really well, that she's loving and everything else a guy wants from a wife (although she's NOT a baseball fan :()... but what I'm MOST thankful for is her uniqueness, and the things that make her perfect for ME and no one else. For example, I love that she puts up with my bull$&@*, that she'll cut fruit for me because I'm a freak, that she's so SMART (even though that means I look less smart in her shadow sometimes), and that she's resilient -- she's had to put up with a lot and is still kicking.

2) My little angel, Aurora: Which is really just an extension of #1. She's the miniature version of Ilaria, and unlike miniature M&Ms or Snickers, the smaller package just doubles the sweetness. Every day she amazes me... sometimes I think it's like living with a magician, but the analogy doesn't quite fit because eventually the magic tricks would get old and annoying instead of amazing, and I'd just want to punch a magician... with Aurora, it's like living with God, where no matter how many days you were lucky enough to be with her, there would be no end to saying, "Thank you, once again, for showing me something I never knew and wasn't even creative enough to imagine."

3) Our extended families: Yes, they support and love us, but I'm thankful for our extended-extended families. I got some insight into that during our trip back to Boston and Switzerland this year, and I could really see all of the shoulders I was standing on from Gram, my brothers and uncles and parents and cousins and all those twice-removeds that I don't understand the relationships to down to Adam, and how they all make it so much easier for us to lift Aurora to the top of the pyramid.

4) Our house: I had a brief moment in my life where I learned what it was not to have one, and I'm happy it was brief. More than the house (the physical structure), what's special to me is the warmth (or in Las Vegas, the cool) and security it affords us. What I've been most thankful for with our house is how its uniqueness (the space we have, etc.) has welcomed people into our lives we would have never met without it (see our guest list over the past several years, and the diversity of travellers who have spent a night might give you a hint of what I mean).

5) My Education: Here's where I start to differ from Ilaria's list. I have a love/hate relationship with my job and my material possessions, so I skipped past those ones on her list. I like the possessions for the distraction they provide (like my 68 Mustang that hasn't moved from under a stack of boxes in the garage for 4 years), and my job lets me buy those distractions, but in the end both are just distractions. What I'm really thankful for is the knowledge I've been fortunate to gain while I'm here. My Mustang can't get out of my garage, so it for sure isn't coming with me wherever I go after this life, and unless I go somewhere reserved for the worst people in this world, I'm pretty convinced I won't have my work on the other side of this life either (I really hope not!)... my education though... that's what I'll be able to carry along with me.

6) My country(ies): So I'm really taking off from Ilaria's list now, but I'm mostly just combining multiple line items into individual listings. As for country, this is a touchy subject that no matter how many words I use to try to explain it, inevitably someone somewhere attempts to distort those words to use against me one way or another. I've been blessed to see a lot of places in the world, so I don't really buy in to traditional notions of patriotism. My one dream in life would be to see every country, and I know each and every one of them would have its own distinct beauty. The crossroad of people and place and culture fascinates me, so in that light, you won't often hear me say my country is the "best" one in the world, or any other nominator that fits well on a bumper sticker or yellow-ribbon car magnet. When I think of my country, I think of freedom of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and that's what I love, and THAT'S what I'm thankful for. Unfortunately, sometimes those principles are more abundant in places outside the geographic borders of the United States, so when I say I'm thankful for "my country(ies)," it means that I'm thankful for those principles my ancestors fought and died for (and ate Turkey and cranberries with the Wampanoag tribes for!) wherever those principles may thrive. It's stated best in a song I sing a lot, "When no flags flew and no armies stood, my land was born...my land's only borders lie around my heart."

7) Nature: There is nothing more special than those things untouched by mankind. I think of Aurora and how wonderful she is, and how one way or another this heavenly being will be tainted by her association with me. That's just the way of the world. So I am so very grateful for those simple and precious things, like a field of fresh fallen snow, the quiet of the woods, the waves on the ocean, the red rocks that cut across the desert... basically, all of those things that sacrifice their majesty by allowing me to cut my mark through them.

8) Time: I have to be careful here not to get too "physics geek" with this one... but imagine this world/universe without time. I experience it in the ways Ilaria described in her list: the family dinners, the sweet kisses, and the presence of a friend, and without time there would be none of that.

And time has a special way of being what we choose it to be. It is, it was, it shall be, and it's forever those three things in one eternal NOW. So I'm thankful for all of these things that paint my reality and for the time you've taken to be a part of it.

Thanksgiving, Part 1

2008-11-24T22:53:00.000+01:00

This year Aurora has been old enough to be excited for things like her fourth birthday she had a couple of months ago, dressing up as a green-faced witch for Halloween, and now eating turkey and her grandma Jackie's delicious pies on Thanksgiving (and Christmas, of course, but we told her we are not going to talk about Christmas until this weekend). :)

Well, over the last couple of days I've been thinking about all the things I am thankful for and happy about in my life, and guess what: there is a lot I'm grateful for. So, I thought I'd make a list to share some of those things. (I'm keeping my thoughts short on each point, but be aware that I could write a whole post on each one of them... I'll spare you this time...) ;). The list is in no particular order:

My amazing husband - he takes such good care of us and loves us so much!
My little angel, Aurora - she never stops amazing me on how beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, thoughtful, sensitive and good she is!
Our extended families - they support us and love us!
Our house - we are lucky to have it, done or not done, clean or not clean, full of people or empty...!
All of our material possessions - we have plenty to fulfill our needs and need nothing else!
Benjamin's job and health insurance - especially in a time when people are without or have just recently lost theirs. I certainly don't take them for granted!
Our health - though it may seem that we've had our share of ups and downs (mostly downs) in this area over the last couple of years, it could be (or could have been) much, much worse!
My daughter - I know I've already mentioned her, but I have to say it again: I have a daughter!!! Isn't that just AMAZING???!!!
Switzerland - I come from such a beautiful country that looks ever more beautiful to me every time I visit there!
My dual citizenship - now I'm a part of two great countries!
My education - this is probably the one thing in my life that makes me feel particularly fulfilled (beside my family, of course), though I'd like to add here that I don't feel any smarter than anyone else, but I'm just so grateful for having had the opportunity to get as far as I have, considering where my parents started from...!
Nature - wow! How I love nature! It used to be such a integral part of my life, that I'm just finally realizing how much I really, truly miss it. I'm grateful for the beauties of this earth, whether I'm taking advantage of them or not!
Time that I get to spend with my two favorite people in the world - I love every second of it!
The simple things in life - like sipping a cup of hot chocolate when it's cold outside, or dancing with Aurora as the movie titles go up at the end of every movie, or being held in my husband's arms for a few minutes when he gets home from work every night, sitting down to dinner as a family, singing songs even when you don't know the words, sweet kisses, family hugs, notes (or drawings) written from the heart, good friends who think of you, spending time with extended family, helping others in need, having sleep-overs in our big bed and watching movies on a laptop on weekends, etc.
My life - it has truly been an amazing and wonderful life so far! :)

Karate, Anyone?...

2008-11-21T17:32:00.000+01:00

Benjamin is officially a yellow belt. Not in karate, though (...I was just kidding in the title...), but in Six Sigma. Are you wondering what that is? Don't feel bad if you've never heard of it (I had no clue either).

Apparently, this is a business methodology used by a lot of top companies to use data analysis to run their businesses better and save a lot of money.

So, the way that Benjamin became a yellow belt is actually interesting. He was invited to participate in the training by a "Master Black Belt" (doesn't it sound so jujitsu mysterious?? ;)) who was impressed with how much of a data geek Benjamin is. After going through some rigorous training, his culminating task was to conduct a study and data analysis on the process for updating a bunch of technical regulatory documents involving nuclear waste management. He did a presentation on his study in front of a bunch of senior managers (and other data-nerd kung fu masters) who were poised to throw daggers at him and find the flaws in his techniques.
He did the presentation yesterday and impressed everyone (of course! He's so smart! They called him "Best in Class," which, if I'm not mistaken is the same prize poodles get at the Westminster Dog Show ;)). His prize was a pin, a certificate, and a yellow lanyard to hang his security badge on.

Well, if you know Benjamin, you also know that he's not the type to hold back if his abilities go beyond a given task. For example, when I asked him to paint the playroom green, all I wanted was for my white walls to disappear and for some color to shine through. Benjamin didn't just paint the whole thing in one shade of green to get it over with (as I was expecting), but he got creative and picked two different shades for the walls and yet another color for the ceiling. The result was amazing! Everyone that comes to our house comments on how nice that green paint looks. This project was no exception for Benjamin. He didn't just put together a study/presentation to reflect the yellow belt parameters; he went beyond that and did things that already fit into "black belt" space.

What does all this mean? Will he be able to soon break a stack of bricks with his bare hands? Basically, it just adds a line to Benjamin's resume that might mean something to someone in a business looking for a data analyst who can save them tons of money.

CONGRATULATIONS, Benjy! :)

Hubby Tag

2008-11-17T23:12:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged by Kandice. :) I've taken the liberty of changing things a little bit (I've added a couple of things...). Is that an OK thing to do in the tag world? (I'm a rookie at this...) Let me know if it's not.

Since this post is about Benjamin, here is a picture of him taken during our engagement photo shoot over 8.5 years ago. Isn't he handsome?? Love you, Benjy!

5 Things Benjamin Loves:

His immediate family (me, Aurora, and Daisy - our dog).
His extended family.
His country (especially what it represents).
The Red Sox and Boston (especially Cape Cod).
Home Depot. ;)

5 Things on Benjamin's To Do List:

This is his short-term to do list:

Finish fixing up the house and the yard (so that we can sell it if we want/need to).
Study for and take the BAR in February.
Find a job that will allow him to spend more time with us and that will give him room to grow.
Get me through school.
Finish writing his short story (...and his novel, and his article, and everything else he's started creating but hasn't finished).

This is his long-term to do list:

Have lots of kids (biologically or through adoption).
Learn to play a musical instrument.
Learn another language (French, Spanish, German, or Farsi are on top of his list).
See a Red Sox game at Fenway.
See the world (especially Africa).

5 Foods Benjamin Enjoys:

Seafood.
Italian cooking (mine). ;)
CHEESE (the stinkier, the better).
Blueberry cobbler (especially if made by his mother or made with Swiss freshly picked blueberries).
Just about any type of snack food (which in Benjamin's world includes everything from 1/2-lb bean and cheese burritos to sweets).

5 Things You Might Not Know:

His ultimate dream job/life is to be a (stay-at-home) writer/dad.
He has a thing for old cars (especially Mustangs -- he has one sitting in our garage).
He is quite a singer and likes to sing songs to Aurora and me (...and we love to listen to him). Many of the songs he sings are on our music playlist on the sidebar.
He is an incredibly spiritual person (though he hides it pretty well from most people).
He wants to start his own business in order to help kids and people in need (through adoption, etc.).

5 Places Benjamin Has Lived:

Bitburg, Germany (where he was born).
Various cities in Central Italy (on his mission in Rome).
Tucson and Gilbert, Arizona (the first for his undergraduate education at UofA, the second for a few months after we left Utah).
Springville, Utah (when we were first married while I finished up school).
Henderson, Nevada (for the last 6+ years).

5 Quirky Things About Benjamin:

Because he has a phobia of sticky fruit juices, he has to cut a peach before he can eat one (the same was true for apples, though he seems to have overcome this now), and he absolutely won't eat an apricot or a plum, sliced or not.
He has to organize everything ahead of time (with lists, charts, databases, etc.) before tackling a complex task.
He likes to be called with his full name, "Benjamin," especially by people who meet him for the first time or who are just mere acquaintances. He's OK with being called "Ben" by family and old, good friends because they've called him that his whole life. There are only two people in the world who are allowed to call him "Benjy" (or "Benjie"): me and his mother. ;)
He has a phobia of needles and blood (he has fainted often when getting his blood drawn or even when talking about it). Yet, if he's in an emergency situation not involving his own person (or if it's on a TV show) and there are blood and needles involved, he is just fine.
He is very, very protective of his two women. Watch out people. Don't cross him on this!

5 People I Tag :

In alphabetical order... ;)

Anna
Farrah
Kristine
Naomi
Tina

New Look

2008-11-14T05:27:00.000+01:00

Hi All! I just needed a change. Since I can't change other things in my life that I'd like to change right now, then I'm changing something I can actually control: my blog's background and layout. The pictures in the header were taken by my sister Naomi during the summer. I've made a collage of our favorites. As you can see, guess who's the center of our world? ...It starts with A and ends with A... These are our favorite family pictures, so now you get to see them every time you go to our blog. Enjoy! :)

My Miscarriage

2008-11-06T01:43:00.000+01:00

***This post contains highly descriptive material. Read at your own risk.***

For those of you who don't know, and if you were wondering how come you haven't heard from me/us in a while, I just had another miscarriage (my second). My OBGYN just told me today that I had the worst-case scenario happen to me as far as miscarrying. I already had a hunch this was the case, which you may understand after reading, but I want to share this story not for the sympathy of it but because we were unaware of the seriousness of the risks we encountered. The experience was so awful that I want anyone who may have the chance of going through what we went through to be more educated than we were. I'm posting Benjamin's original message we sent out when we found out about the baby's heart stopping, which might give you some insight into the emotional part of it (and can give you some context to my story). This story, though, is my physical ordeal, and I'm leaving out the mental trauma since the physical part is bad enough as it is.

To start off, we found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating about four weeks ago (at approximately 11 weeks into my pregnancy). My options, as I was told, were to either wait for a little while to see if my body would naturally eliminate the pregnancy (a common miscarriage, which I'd already experienced the last time around), or I could schedule a D and C (Dilation and Curettage: a simple procedure where they open the cervix (dilation) and scrape away everything inside of it (curettage)) at the hospital. Because of my issues with claustrophobia and my panic attack reaction to narcotic drugs (a D and C requires being put out completely), I decided to avoid the hospital and wait to let nature take its course. Part of my decision was due to the fact that I'd had experience miscarrying before, and although it was a traumatic experience, it was physically bearable. Even though I went to the hospital, it was more for the shock of it (I didn't know the baby was dead until I started bleeding), and I didn’t have to have any kind of procedure because my body naturally eliminated the pregnancy on its own.

I started spotting on Tuesday (10/21), which was about 1 week after we found out the bad news. On Wednesday, it got a little heavier but not much. On Thursday, there was really no change in the morning, though I was feeling very strange (chills, lightheadedness, exhaustion, etc.). Then came the "gush", and knew something was wrong. I called Benjamin at work and told him to come home. I sat on the toilet, and it was like a faucet that would never stop with blood and tissue coming out. I was worried because I was losing considerably more blood this time compared to my last miscarriage. Another difference that was throwing me off was that I didn’t have major cramps, while the first time they were unbearable (almost like labor pains). We went to the ER (just like the last time). They checked me out (just like the last time). When they drew blood (a lot of it!), I almost passed out (not like the last time). I had to sit in a chair with my head between my knees for 15 minutes or so while they were putting cold cloths on my forehead and neck and Benjamin was blowing cold air on me before I could sit up, transfer to a wheelchair, and lay on a hospital bed.

The pelvic exam wasn’t too bad, and neither was the ultrasound, which was also very different from my first miscarriage, which I think was on account of not having such bad cramps this time around. After five hours, they told me that the ultrasound had shown no remaining tissue in my uterus, so I didn’t need to have the D and C, and they discharged me. They said the bleeding would slowly disappear and gave me pills that would help stop it as well as antibiotics (because they found I had a bladder infection). We went home, I took my pills, and I went to bed.

A few hours later (around 1 am), I woke up with huge cramps, and the bleeding was even worse than before: just gushing blood that was impossible to contain with pads. I sat on the toilet again and started getting close to fainting again. We found it strange that both the hospital and the OBGYN warned me to go to the ER if I had to change "more than two or three pads in an hour." That unit of measurement threw us off because it was so far off of the reality we found ourselves in, like if someone asked you to use an eye dropper to measure how much water was coming out of a broken fire hydrant. We were in shock, I think, and very confused. After all, they had told us that the worst was over!

It got so bad I felt like I was going to pass out sitting on the toilet. Somehow, I made it back to the bed where I could lay down (at that point, we figured we would buy a new mattress if we needed to). I started feeling nauseous and throwing up and right before I threw up the second time -- I was so sick, so weak, so on the verge of passing out -- I just knew something was seriously wrong. I couldn't imagine how I could get from my bed to the car and to the ER before passing out... maybe for good. I started panicking and told Benjamin to call 911. The dispatcher was really nice to him, but when I started throwing up again (and I'm sure she could hear me in the background), the urgency in her voice changed. She shifted from instructing Benjamin on how to make me comfortable to barking orders for him to open the door and get the pets out of the way so the paramedics could quickly come in and take me out. The ambulance came within five minutes (it took my mother-in-law about 10, but in fairness, she was 3 times farther away and didn't have sirens on her Volkswagen). The paramedics immediately put an IV into me because my blood pressure was really low (around 80/40) and my heart rate was so high, they didn’t even want to try and move me. They told me they would pump a lot of liquid in very fast to try and get my blood pressure up and my heart rate down. My blood pressure didn’t really budge, but my heart rate went down a bit. I could tell they were relieved by that because they must have told me ten different times that my heart rate had gone down and that it was a good thing. Later, at the ER, Benjamin overheard one of the paramedics going over my vitals with a CNA. The CNA commented, “Well, at least she’s not tacking.” The paramedic replied with a look that said "You don't even know the half of it" and said, "No, she's not tacking anymore." Benjamin thought this referred to my heart rate (tachycardia), so apparently my heart rate had been dangerously high.

The paramedics had to put me on a chair to transport me down the stairs. I thought I was going to faint for sure because I couldn’t even sit up. I got very, very close to losing consciousness, but somehow I made it down the stairs where they transferred me to a bed and put me in the ambulance.

At the hospital, the same CNA who had wheeled me out to the car the first time I had left the ER came up to us and said, "I knew it was you! When they called it in, I said, 'I know who that is!'" Benjamin said that everybody was cool and relaxed, just kind of standing around, but the moment that two of them lifted me up to transfer me from the paramedics bed to the hospital bed, and they all saw the big puddle of blood underneath me, all of their faces changed, and they all got into "serious" mode.

What was odd was that I was conscious of everything that was going on the entire time and my mind was clear. I could hear everything but just couldn't talk, move, or even open my eyes at times. I was just so weak.

The same nurse that had discharged me earlier was there, and her face worried me a bit (she was the sweetest nurse I have ever had). She tried to get a second IV in me but was unsuccessful. When she couldn't do it, three male nurses came over and tried to find more veins in order to have an extra way to give me something quickly "just in case" (not very reassuring). One was working on one arm, one on the other, and one on my neck. They just couldn't find any veins because my blood pressure was too low. Finally, they found one that actually worked.

After giving me lots of fluids (at least three units of saline) and my blood pressure not budging very much, they gave me a blood transfusion of three units (the units come in "pints" so about six cups). That helped my blood pressure go up, though I didn't feel one bit better. I still felt nauseous, and I started dry heaving pretty violently. It was almost 7:00am by then.

They had called in my doctor's sub (my OBGYN was out of town) to come and do an emergency D and C once my blood pressure was high enough for them to put me to sleep. Finally, just after 7:00am they prepped me for the procedure. The anesthesiologist told me he was going to give me very little of whatever drug he used to put me to sleep because of my low blood pressure. Even though I was still a little worried that I would have a panic attack, I told myself that it couldn't possibly be worse than what I had been through already: I was right. When I woke up about 20 minutes later, I was still cramping, but the nausea was gone, and I wasn't feeling blood gushing out anymore. What a relief! I felt much more alive. The doctor later told me that a large wad of tissue was stuck in my uterus, and had they not gone in to get it out, I would have basically bled to death.

When they discharged me later, I stopped in the restroom. While I had been recuperating in bed, I had noticed that my fingers were all swollen, and I kept telling Benjamin that I felt as if my eyes were going to be sucked inside their sockets. He didn’t really react to that, so I thought it must just be a side-effect of everything. Well, when I stepped over to the sink to wash my hands, I actually screamed out loud. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing in the mirror!! My face was unrecognizable: all puffy and my eyes almost hidden inside their sockets. I felt like I had aged 30 years in two days. It was a horrible feeling. I had to keep telling myself that I was going to look normal again soon. Of course, Benjamin got in trouble for not trying to "prepare" me. As it turns out, he didn't want to scare me, worry me, or make me feel worse than I was already feeling… Poor guy. :)

So, if you think this story is over, think again. I went home on Friday late afternoon with medicine to make my uterus contract so it would stop bleeding and with pain killers. On Saturday, I was pretty miserable and spent the day in bed. On Sunday, I went to church for an hour because Benjamin and Aurora were singing together for the Primary program, and I didn't want to miss it. I felt very dizzy while I was there, but by that evening, I was actually feeling pretty good -- the best I had felt over those last 4 days. I felt optimistic and hopeful that I would soon be back to normal. On Monday, Benjamin told me that he was going to take the day off to stay home and help with Aurora. I was super-grateful, but I didn't think it would be necessary, but he insisted he didn't feel right leaving me there alone. I got up in the morning, got dressed, and got ready to have a meeting with my professor (we are co-writing an article that is due soon, and he was nice enough to come to my house to meet so that I wouldn't have to drive anywhere). During our meeting I started feeling funny -- weak, dizzy, and like I was going to faint. I hung in there until he left. Afterwards, it just got worse. I started bleeding more, and I felt really sick. I ended up begging Benjamin to call 911 again, and Aurora was doing her best to be a helper despite how scared she was. I was absolutely terrified of what was happening again, and I wasn't going to hesitate this time around.

The exact same firefighters/paramedics came to my house (talk about embarrassing!) and immediately checked my vitals. They weren't too bad -- not compared to the last time they had come over -- but they said that's all they could check and they asked me if I wanted them to take me to the hospital. I said yes… and off I went for another ambulance ride.

They ended up admitting me into the hospital this time because my blood counts were very low. My hemoglobin was down to 6.2, so they decided to keep me overnight to do another blood transfusion. They didn't have a room for me, though, so they put me in the hall. I didn't care one bit. I just wanted them to "fix me" no matter what it took. Poor Benjamin ended up sleeping on a hard couch in the hall, and Aurora slept over at our friends' house (they carved pumpkins and did all sorts of fun things, so she was entertained and distracted). The blood transfusion took hours -- basically all night. My blood pressure kept dropping, and I could tell my nurse wasn't happy about that.

Later in the morning on Tuesday, my OBGYN came to visit me. Talk about a lecture! She didn’t even say hi to me, and with tears in her eyes she started telling me that maybe now I'll listen to her next time and won't put my life in danger. She's been doing this for 20 years, and I shouldn't have waited to have a D and C once I found out the baby was dead. She told me that I had let my fear destroy my body.

All of this was true, but I reminded her that she did give me TWO choices, one of which was to wait (she NEVER told me that I shouldn't wait, and for sure she NEVER told me that all this is what she meant by potential "bleeding problems" if I waited (remember, she said "if you bleed more than two pads in an hour...")). I also told her that the ER had sent me home the first time saying that it was all over and I would stop bleeding soon and how when I was in the ER for the third time before they admitted me, I had to do another ultrasound and the technician (who was the same lady who had done the ultrasound the first time), when I told her that they had sent me home that Thursday, said that they shouldn't have sent me home (with giant eyes that told me how shocked she was that I went home). That technician asked me why they hadn't kept me to do a D and C right away, and I told her the doctor had said that the ultrasound had looked all clear, like I had passed everything, and like there was nothing left in there. She was speechless and basically told me (after making me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone that she said anything because she was just the technician and blah blah... all the legal crap to say to avoid being used as evidence in a malpractice suit...) that someone messed up big time and she had seen plenty of stuff still in my uterus that day, and that she thought for sure they would have me to a D and C that day.

When I told my OBGYN all of this, she calmed down and said, “Yeah! They did mess up!”

THANK YOU!!!

They discharged me later that day. My OBGYN told me I would be just fine now and that I wouldn't have any more problems. She said I should most definitely go to my sister's wedding in Atlanta that weekend because it would make me feel better. I was really surprised at that because I definitely didn't feel like I could take a trip any time soon (more on the wedding in another post...) I went home and Benjamin took care of me again. He had to miss work again. He took the whole week off, which by now had exhausted all of his paid time off, so we were into unpaid leave, unfortunately. Talk about stress: a week off unpaid with hospital bills piling up, but Benjamin took it like a trooper and even let them give me an ibuprofin (whispering after the fact, "they're probably going to charge us $8 for that pill, when I can get a bottle of 500 of them for $8 at Walgreens.").

Here are my thoughts about this whole experience:

Because I was trying to avoid having to be put to sleep for a few hours to do a D and C, I ended up with days of a complete nightmare, two blood transfusions, and an emergency D and C. I won’t even tell you what pictures flash through my head every time I close my eyes. I wasn't able to sleep very much for the first little while because of that. I have to constantly push flashes of blood out of my mind, otherwise I start to feel sick to my stomach.

Had I lived 100 years ago, or had I been secluded somewhere where paramedics couldn't get to me quickly, I have no doubts I would have bled to death. I now have a new understanding of those women that died at childbirth. This is the second time that my life has been saved by doctors and nurses. The first was when I had to have my emergency C-section when Aurora was born (which, coincidentally enough, also involved someone sending me home from the hospital when we later found out they should have kept me). It makes me feel so grateful that I was born now and not before medicine evolved. I am extremely grateful for paramedics, nurses, doctors, ERs, hospitals, and all the people that have chosen to spend their lives saving the life of others.

I also have to mention here that for being part of my nightmare, and even when someone messed things up and sent me home when he shouldn't have, I had the best experience at that hospital. Everyone was so nice, personable, understanding, caring, and polite. I was so impressed. My overnight nurse, especially, was an angel. She was being a nurse and a mother at the same time, which I really needed. She even came and put her arm around Benjamin and asked if she could do anything for him. I wish I knew everyone's names because I'd like to write them all a thank you card. I just remember a bunch of nameless faces, but those people saved my life. Unfortunately, and for the second time now in my life, I've seen first-hand how these people are hindered from doing their jobs by insurance companies that must put great pressure on them to discharge as many people as they can as quickly as they can from the hospital. Apparently, the money saved from quickly discharging the majority of people who are probably just fine makes up for the money spent on the tiny few who end up having to come back... or worse.

The moral of the story:

If I ever have another miscarriage (though I've pretty much made an oath now never to get pregnant again!), I will schedule a D and C. No doubts about it. Also, if I ever do carry another pregnancy to term, I am definitely getting another C-section. I am not going to risk rupturing my uterus and bleeding to death by trying to deliver vaginally. I've been there and done that once (the bleeding part), and I don't need a repeat. Let's face it: when it comes to reproduction (conceiving, carrying a pregnancy to term, and delivering), my medical history puts all three of those as strikes against me. I will, therefore, take what I've learned and be smarter about my decisions from now on.

It's now exactly a week after the end of this ordeal, and I'm still very lightheaded and dizzy. I can hardly be on my feet or do anything without starting to feel very, very weak. I just went in for a follow-up visit with my OBGYN, and she said this is all pretty normal considering what I've been through. She also sent me to get another blood test done to make sure everything is back to normal. I should hear the results tomorrow or the next day. (I almost passed out when they took my blood today. I NEVER care about having my blood drawn, but I think that with all the blood I've seen come out of my body over the last couple of weeks, just the thought of seeing more blood coming out of me makes me loopy).

One positive note about this whole thing:

My doctor was surprised to see me so skinny. She commented on it twice. I told her this is the one thing that's good out of this whole entire story: I've been losing weight because I have no appetite! Don't worry now: I'm eating often (especially thanks to our friends from church)… just not very much in one sitting, otherwise I get nauseous.

Update and Thank You

2008-10-14T23:58:00.000+02:00

This is Benjamin's original message to our friends and family, and we're posting it here as part of our time capsule now that we're coming to the close of this chapter of our lives.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear friends and family,

We wanted to send this out to you to fill you in on our lives and to thank you for all of your support. Please forgive the lack of personalization in delivering this message electronically this way, but we can't manage to talk on the phone ad nauseum about our current events, and there are so many people to address in this note that it would take weeks to get through to everyone individually. We really want to express our gratitude to all of you now, without the hesitation and procrastination that generally plagues us. Please forgive us too if we are repeating some or all of this story to those who have already heard it and don't need a recap of the information.

On September 5, we found out that Ilaria was pregnant. Despite the fact that it was a planned and long-overdue pregnancy (our last near success was over a year and a half ago and ended in miscarriage), we were surprised by the news because when Ilaria tested a few weeks prior, we received a negative result on that test. The negative result dashed our hope in the theory that an extended trip to Switzerland was the relief we needed from whatever stress and silliness might have been contributing to our lack of success in growing our family. (Aurora, our living miracle, came to us, after all, under similar circumstances when we abandoned (somewhat recklessly) our day-to-day living and escaped to the green and relative calm of Switzerland.)

You can imagine, then, our surprise when two weeks later Ilaria retested and found out she was indeed pregnant, and that something in the Swiss air had worked its intended magic. We attributed our good fortune to you, who have prayed for us and shared your kind words with us in the many different methods and languages there are among you to speak and pray and share. We counted ourselves lucky to have you in our lives, though we didn't necessarily express those feelings directly.

We also found ourselves overwhelmingly fortunate to have the access to quality healthcare that so many others don't have. Our doctors are spectacular, and we were privy to the best prenatal care available. This meant that shortly into the pregnancy, when Ilaria felt some peculiar pains, we had quick access to diagnostic testing. We found out early that the pregnancy wasn't progressing as expected, which was a blow to us. But since we had regular tests and early treatment, we were able to work through those concerns. From worries over a molar pregnancy (a developing gestational sac with no fetus), we were soon to the high point of seeing what we called the "nub" that would become our second miracle. That started an early game of hide-and-seek between us and the nub, which was a roller coaster of emotion. We reached the high point of that emotion with a measured heartbeat, and much later with Ilaria actually seeing the baby's head and tiny body.

On Saturday, our fantastic doctor wanted to share that moment with me, and she interrupted her yard work to come to her office specifically to meet with us and to introduce me to the baby. Unfortunately, the portable monitor she had in her office didn't show any baby. We decided then that we would name the child Pica Boo Peltier if a girl or Hyden Seek Peltier if a boy. As a precaution, the doctor wanted to have a full test done at an imaging center.

Ilaria went in for that appointment yesterday, and it turns out that the tiny beating heart in her belly isn't beating any more. Eventually, Ilaria's body will come to realize what we already know through modern technology as her hormone levels gradually change and her body naturally eliminates the remains of our child. If it takes a long time for her body to take this step on its own, we may need to intervene medically to help it along and avoid unreasonable risk to Ilaria's health.

We are now left, ironically, hoping for what we've dreaded every month over the last several years and every day over the last several weeks, and we would like for Ilaria's body to handle this trajedy quickly, with finality, and without complication so that we can effectively grieve and move on again to that monthly question of whether we'll mark the calendar with blood or with quietly cautious celebration.

We apologize to those of you who are hearing all of this news for the first time today, but we hope that you can understand our overabundance of caution given our history. We thank those of you who have been with us and comforted us in what has turned out to be a nauseating corkscrew of a ride.

Above all, we want each of you to know how much we love having you in our lives and how much we appreciate your prayers, your encouragement, and your sensitivity to our family's challenges. We, right now, are in a trying moment as we wrestle over whether it is true that "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all," but we will move through that exercise in due course. What we fear most right now is that many of you who are going through your own special moments with your family or through your own challenges and loss will feel uncomfortable sharing those feelings with us for fear that it will either overwhelm or annoy us. We, instead, ask that you continue to share with us the normalcy that is life, for better or for worse because ultimately our cumulative highs and lows will balance each other out. We are most interested in the company we share on our ride through life than our ultimate destination.

We thank you for your kindness, your generosity, your selflessness, and your love over the past few days and weeks, and we hope to return the favor as we all bump our ways through life together.

Sincerely,

Benjamin, Ilaria, and Aurora Peltier

Fast Learner

2008-10-11T18:37:00.000+02:00

The other day, Aurora was watching the movie Flushed Away in our TV room while I was working on my data analysis for school in my room.

At a certain point, she came in my room holding her hands shut, palms together horizontally. I thought she was carrying something really small in there (like a sticker or a feather). She said, "Mom, give me your hand." Thinking she was giving me a surprise (Aurora LOVES giving and receiving surprises), I closed my eyes and opened my hand, palm up, following our surprise-giving tradition in which the giver says, "close your eyes and open your hand(s)," and after the receiver does so, the giver places the surprise in the receiver's hand(s) and says, "open your eyes now!" and the receiver acts happy and surprised to find whatever is in his/her hand(s).

This time, though, she said, "No. Not like that!" I didn't really know what she meant, so I opened my eyes and put both of my hands around hers. She wiggled her hands trying not to drop whatever was inside (...or so I thought...) until she was able to grab my right hand and shake it. So, I thought, she wanted to shake my hand and not open my hand as if she was giving me a surprise. She shook it for a long time and was acting as if she was trying to transfer something from her hand to mine. I thought that maybe she had a little sticker or some tiny piece of lint in there that she wanted me to find in my hand once we let go. So, I was trying to "feel" what she was trying to transfer to me, but I couldn't feel anything.

Finally, she let go, and I opened my hand with my palm up, just in case there was something in there (and I wanted it to stay in my hand and not fall on the floor, for the sake of her trying to surprise me). There wasn't anything in my hand, just something shiny. I asked her what it was, and she wouldn't answer me. I started to panic a little (I have no idea why??!!) and asked her again to tell me what it was.

...Then it came to me, and I asked, "Honey? Did you spit in your hand, or did you lick it with your tongue?" She nodded. I asked, "Did you see the two mice in your Flushed Away movie doing this, so you did it with me?" (I don't know how I remember that from the movie...!) She nodded again.

I LAUGHED! I told her that she was cute, but please not to do that again because it's kind of gross... and not to do that with ANYBODY else either. (I could just picture her thinking she had found a new fun thing to do with people, and distributing her spit to friends and strangers alike. Not a good thing!)

She's SO FUNNY!! My daughter spit in/licked her hand (I'm still not sure which, though I think it was the first) and rubbed it all over mine. YUK! On the bright side, she sure is a fast learner... :)

My Big Girl is 4!!!

2008-09-30T06:18:00.000+02:00

WARNING: THIS IS A LOOOOONG POST!

Today was Aurora's 4th birthday. I can hardly believe it was 4 years ago that she came into the world screaming and looking like a pirate (she was stuck against my pelvic bone for who knows how long, she came by c-section because of it, and she ended up having a dented forehead and an eye halfway closed for months after her birth because of that - we called her "pirate") ☺.

Here's one of Aurora's first pictures (if not THE first) taken just seconds after she was born:
Aurora's 4th birthday celebration has lasted a few weeks. First, her grandma Jackie threw a birthday party a couple of weeks ago to celebrate Aurora's and Aeryn's 4th and Gillian's 1st birthdays. Aeryn and Gillian (Aurora's cousins) were in town for a few days (hence the combined b-day party), and here are pictures from their birthday celebration.

These are all the cousins that were there. Back row: Aeryn, Kelsie, Kaylin. Front row: Kira, Aurora. Swimming came first before all of the official birthday stuff:
Here's Aurora attempting her first "dives" without any floaties from the spring board. She was cold, can you tell?
Playing baseball with Aeryn... and with Sandy (the dog) who was racing for the ball every time:
Finally, the cake:
Let's blow out the candles so we can open our presents (Gillian is in this picture too):On Saturday (9/27) we started off her birthday celebration by going with Grandpa Joe to The Springs Preserve. It was so fun to explore and learn about the desert... although Benjamin commented that it was strange to call a dry patch of dirt "nature" after having recently been in Switzerland-type nature... ☺

Here's the birthday girl:
Here is Aurora with her grandpa and dad:Walking around:
Looking at the exhibits. This one had desert tortoises (you can see one if you look at the bottom of the tank). Aurora was very interested... as you can see from the look on her face:
In the afternoon we had a birthday party with Aurora's closest friends. When I asked her a few days ago if she wanted to have her party at the pool or at the park, her answer came quickly: the pool, of course!! Did I even need to ask??! She invited 5 friends: Curtis, Aubrey, Morgan, Titaina, and James. The party was really fun. The kids first swam for about an hour.

Here are James and his mom, Susanne:
Morgan came with her sister, Sierra:
It was very hard to get a picture of Curtis in the pool. Here's my best shot. Curtis is the one wearing blue floaties and is halfway under water right next to his dad, John. Sitting right next to John is Aubrey:
Here's another picture of Aubrey:
Here's Curtis' little sister, Alessia. She's always all smiles:
Here she is again with her mom, Kristine:
This is our good friend Melanie. Aurora is always so happy to see her because she is so much fun:
I can't forget Robin. She's our neighbor who has watched Aurora grow since she was born. She hasn't missed one of Aurora's birthdays yet:
After swimming, we ate a Sesame Street cake picked out by Aurora herself, of course. This is one of Aurora's qualities that I really like: she is very good at making a decision and sticking with it (...she's very much the opposite of her mother in this...). She picked her b-day cake weeks ago, and she stuck with her decision. Here's the cake:
Finally, Aurora opened presents, and then she said goodbye to all of her friends... but not before getting one last picture with them.

Thank you for coming, James:
It wouldn't have been the same without you, Curtis:
Smiles with my two joyschool classmates from last year, Morgan (left) and Titaina (right):
Bye, Aubrey! Thanks for your present:
The 4 princesses:
WHAT A PARTY!!!

September 29th (Monday) was her official birthday. We celebrated it as a family - as the Three Musketeers. When Benjamin got home from work (earlier than usual), we took off and spent the evening shopping for toys. First stop: Build-A-Bear. Aurora got a great gift card from her friend Titaina on Saturday, so she got to pick a stuffed animal and "build" it. Very fun. Her new bear was named Ella.

Here's is us on our way in:
Here's Aurora's big grin on her way out with Ella (in the box):Second stop: Toys-R-Us. Aurora's aunt Kari, uncle Matt, and cousins Kelsie, Kaylin, and Kira gave her a gift card for her b-day, so we got to walk around and see what we could get with it. Aurora ended up choosing a game she's wanted for a long time - Operation - which was on sale (Yahoooo!), and so she got to also buy a kindergarten computer learning game. She's VERY excited about both.

When we were walking into the store, I explained to her how it was going to work: we only had a specific amount of money she could spend, and I listed off different options of things she could choose from. I mentioned that she could possibly pick a computer game among other things. She immediately perked up and said, "Mom! Maybe we can get a computer for me for when I'm bigger!" We laughed, of course, and we tried to explain the difference between the amount of money on her gift card and the cost of a computer.☺

Here's Aurora with her Toys-R-Us birthday balloon and crown:
We ended the evening eating out. We don't eat out very often, so Aurora doesn't really know the names of different restaurants. So, instead of asking her WHERE she wanted to eat, we asked her WHAT she wanted to eat. She immediately replied, "CHICKEN!!!" (and we knew she meant chicken drumsticks). We didn't really know where to go (did I mention we hardly ever eat out?) and we ended up at El Pollo Loco. YUM!!! We had never eaten there before and it was a hit. We had so much food, and it was really good. In fact, I told Benjamin that unless we all end up in the ER tonight for food poisoning of some kind, I think we may have found our family's new favorite fast food restaurant! ☺

Aurora is enjoying her chicken:
At the restaurant we gave Aurora OUR gifts, finally. She asked for a Barbie for her birthday, and she was so excited when she ended up with THREE!

Here she opened our first present (some Barbie clothes):
And she got some furniture to put in her Barbie house (ALL of which we got at a garage sale!):It was quite an enjoyable evening. Aurora is very happy to show off her 4 fingers now instead of 3 (...though she had a little panic moment yesterday when she realized that she wasn't going to be 3 anymore, and she told me that she wanted to turn 4 and then back to 3 again... little cutie... she doesn't realize yet that it's a wish that's only going to increase as the years go by and she gets to be my age - I'll turn 34, and then I'll go back to 33 next year, right? ;)).

Here's a funny picture of Benjamin taken by Aurora:
Aurora found out tonight that my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and she immediately took on the "organizer" role that she has seen me in this past week and asked me, "OK, mom, where do you want your b-day party? At the pool or at the park?" She's so funny trying to be all grown up. She also made me tell her what I want for my birthday, and she assured me that she'll make sure she'll put everything in my birthday presents bags. What a cutie pie!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE ANGEL!!!! These last 4 years have been the BEST years of my life because of YOU! I can't believe there was ever a time when you weren't a part of it! You are my favorite girl in the whole, wide world, and I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

Play by FoxSaver®

Revelations in Parenting, Part II (Matthew 18:4)

2008-09-17T10:45:00.000+02:00

Aurora is going through that phase where she'll come up with any excuse she can to not have to go to sleep. She's actually been in that phase one way or another since birth, but now it's the one that most people are familiar with when she'll ask for a glass of water, say that her ceiling fan is making too much noise, or not think quickly enough to figure out what excuse she was going to use to get me to open the door so she ends up saying, "Uh... mmm... I love YOU!" (with a fat, toothy grin that usually guarantees she's not going to get in trouble).

Tonight was no exception.

We finally got her to head to her bedroom, but she would only do so walking wheelbarrow style. I took her up on the compromise if it meant a peaceful resolution to the impasse. Once in her room though, she got reluctant about saying our nightly family prayer. She claimed she was too tired.

So, pulling out two parental manipulations from the bag at once, we tried reverse psychology--"alright, we'll just go and say the prayer with just the two of us, and you can stay here and go to sleep"--and passive-aggressiveness--"since you're too tired to say a prayer, that means that you're going to have to go to bed earlier tomorrow, which means no cartoon."

She caught on to the second tactic quicker than the first. So we knelt by her bed, and suddenly Aurora's Peltier genes kicked in as she decided that despite being in a losing position, she'd push some limits and try to renegotiate the situation anyway. Of course, those genes get a little rustier each time they're split and copied to a new specimen, right? So I figured I'd call her bluff and compromise on whatever she wanted as long as it didn't cost us more time and struggle getting through the prayer and to sleep.

First, she claimed that she didn't want to kneel on the floor, so I told her, "Fine, you can kneel on your mattress. That's no problem."

She liked the idea of not having to kneel on the floor, so she didn't fight it further. We then reached to hold hands, and Aurora said, "Wait! We forgot my giraffe!!"

I (ever the brilliant parent) resisted the urge to tell her that giraffes don't pray with their families at bedtime, and I said (anticipating her next move), "Okay, but just the giraffe and Zebuey."

She seemed a little thrown off because usually I put up a fight when the giraffe needs to be a part of our prayer circle, but this time I wasn't only welcoming the giraffe, but I was also saying Zebuey could participate too! CHECKMATE! I thought. Now we could get on with the prayer.

She made sure her Zebuey and giraffe were kneeling and were evenly spaced so each stuffed paw had a hand to hold, and I said (as I say every time we pray), "Who's going to say the prayer?"

That's my method of fair dispersion of piety: Aurora gets to choose who says the prayer because three-fourths of the time she volunteers herself and the rare remainder of the time she chooses either me or Ilaria for the task. That guarantees a level distribution of holiness in the household.

Of course, you saw it coming, because Aurora was for darn sure that if she was only going to get this one shot for Zebuey and giraffe to be in on the prayer, it would be one of them who would bestow upon us the benediction!

I, myself, was curious to see how that would work. This time, though, I put up a little more of a fight and said, "Honey, giraffes don't talk." And Ilaria backed me up by adding, "We need someone who can talk--a PERSON--to say the prayer."

This time, the stubborn Nardotto gene came out in Aurora, and I could see she was going to be belligerent on the issue. <-- I'm going to get SOOO in trouble for that, not just from Ilaria, either ;). "Alright," I said, "close your eyes so the giraffe can say the prayer." For about a tenth of a second, Aurora gave me a stunned look, like she wasn't prepared for me to be that easy and like she hadn't thought of what a giraffe prayer might sound like. I actually imagined it would be a moment of silence. Then, Ilaria (sometimes a little ahead in the parenting bag of tricks), said something brilliant (so "brilliant" might be a slight stretch, but I need to make up for using the word "belligerent" earlier). "You can help the giraffe say the prayer," she said. Ahhh, yes! Problem solved. A light seemed to go on in Aurora's eyes as well, so I knew we were back on track with our Aurora-as-mouthpiece family evening prayer. She started (looking at the giraffe), "Dear Heavenly Father..." then paused... and like a mouse-sized ventriloquist had snuck in the room, the scratchiest little high-pitched voice repeated, "Dear Heavenly Father..." and it went on, Aurora coaching the words of every sentence very clearly and enunciated for her mouse-voiced giraffe friend to cautiously repeat afterward. I lost it, and laughed one of those laughs that one only manages to muster in the middle of a quiet religious ceremony. And I couldn't stop... and Aurora didn't either. Slightly put off by my irreverence, she started whispering into the giraffe's ear what the giraffe was to repeat out loud. This only sent me into a worse spasm of laughter, and I was really trying hard to retain it. But I lost it completely when I heard that mousy little giraffe voice utter the following sentence:

"Thank you, Lord, that I threw up on Zebuey and turned him black."

Once I regained my composure and Aurora/giraffe closed their beautiful prayer, the greatest part was when Aurora looked at me with a sincere question in her eyes and said, "What's so funny?"

And she was right, you know, because I've heard crazier sounding things in other religious settings, and I didn't bother laughing then (though some might merit it), and here was my daughter happy to have her whole family with her (real and imaginary alike) thanking God for the experiences of her day.

Revelations in Parenting, Part I (Content of Our Character)

2008-09-17T10:30:00.000+02:00

So this is my first foray into the blog posting world, and I've had other moments when I thought I'd post something to the blog (other than my Wall-E promo I put up for Aurora), but I kept feeling my ideas were too philosophical for the editorial content of this blog (which is a nice way to say ... well, I won't say what that's a nice way of saying, because since it requires a nice way of saying it, then the other way probably isn't fit to say on the blog). Anyway, I decided that I'm just going to write, and you might just have to skip through or filter the blog for Ilaria's posts because hers are more fun anyway! It turns out my singular post turned into two a two-parter anyway (stay tuned for Part II). Anyway, on with the posting already!!!

Because I missed work on Monday, I had a lot of catching up to do, so I didn't end up at home until late. When I got home, Aurora was all ready for bed, and we hung out watching a cartoon for just a minute before it was time for her to go to sleep. As we were getting her ready, Ilaria said to me, "That sucks that Zebuey's black."

Now, we need to rewind a little bit for that sentence to make any sense to anyone who lives outside of the Peltier household.

First, let's meet Zebuey. This is Zebuey:

Zebuey has been Aurora's best friend for as long as she can remember. In fact, "Zebuey" was Aurora's first word. She'd always say, "Zebuey" when it was time for bed, and she'd snuggle up nice and tight with him.

Since Aurora was that small, Zebuey has gone with her everywhere she goes, and I can't remember a night that she's gone without him... including last Saturday night.

That's when Aurora was so peaceful and quiet going to bed. I thought that it was because she was so tired from splashing around at the beach during the day, but right as Ilaria came over to kiss her goodnight
BLeAhHHhH!!!

She puked the potatoes she had for dinner all over the place. Since we were guests at the Waldner's house, we cleaned the area with the speed and precision of a crime scene investigation team (or someone who doesn't want to leave behind any traces for a crime scene investigation team). Somehow, Zebuey had escaped the carnage (I wasn't so lucky, and it was all I could do to hold back from a CERN supercollider-sized emetic reaction <-- that's in response to the "nerd" post Ilaria put up the other day). It turned out, however, that we had a serial vomiter on our hands (not to be confused with "cereal vomit on our hands", which is gross in its own right but not as gross as the multiple incarnations of the lovely fondue we'd eaten that evening).

Zebuey's luck eventually ran out, and he made his way over to the washing machine. As you'll notice from the stock photo above, Zebuey is a lovely pink color. At 2:00 in the morning, after showering at least once, choking back my gullet several times, and hovering over the washing machine for about the third time, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me to toss Zebuey into the machine together with Aurora's pink sleeping bag. What I didn't take into account was the black liner inside the bag! So this is what Zebuey looks like now:

Apparently, Aurora asked Ilaria today why Zebuey is black, and Ilaria (the good parent that she is) explained it to her pretty clearly, and Aurora was okay with that. I was surprised because I thought for sure that she wouldn't take it well, and that I'd be in trouble for "ruining" her Zebuey. I was also surprised that she considered the light bluish tinge that Zebuey now has as "black." As an aside, I (ever the optimist) commented to Ilaria, "Maybe this is a good way we can set Aurora on the right path when it comes to race relations."

She looked at me with that look that all husbands know... the one that means, "What are you? An idiot?" And she told me how they were watching "Scrubs" together on TV. At a certain point, Aurora points at Donald Faison (the African-American actor who plays "Turk" in the show), and says "I don't like him."

Ilaria, a little concerned, says, "Why's that, honey?"

The reply??? "Because he's black, mom. That's not one of my favorite colors."

Well, THAT gave Ilaria the opportunity to give her own version of MLK's "I Have a Dream" and explain to our beautiful almost-four-year-old how we judge people not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. Apparently, Aurora understood and took it to heart, and her Zebuey is just as good even though he's "black."

So there are several lessons to be learned from this:

You can't just assume that things that look the same are the same, you need to check the inner lining first.
Talking to your children about race and humanity (Ilaria's approach) is much more effective than dying your child's toys darker colors and hoping they'll catch on.
I need to hang out with more black people (especially cool ones like Dr. Turk), so "black" becomes one of Aurora's favorite colors.

Coincidentally, the cartoon Aurora and I watched together just before she went to bed and kicked off my awakening to my Eurocentric worldview was an interpretation of Patricia McKissack's Flossie and the Fox. It's a great story everyone should buy and read with their kids.

Deiro (The Cabin)

2008-09-16T23:03:00.000+02:00

It's time to post some pictures of my family's cabin in Switzerland. Well... we didn't take very many of the actual cabin this year, but at least you'll get an idea of the view up there. This is my very favorite place on earth, and if I had the choice, I would live up there.

Let's start with the road that leads up to the cabin from the closest last village. Here is the last building (an old Catholic church) before getting into the woods to get up there:

Here are a couple of pictures of the actual road. It's a one-lane, two-way mountain road with lots and lots of curves. This is one place where you get some use out of you car horn (you honk at almost every curve to make sure that if someone is coming from the opposite direction they hear you and don't slam into you... pretty nerve racking if you are not used to it...):

After the last curve, here is Deiro (the name of the little 15-cabin village in the middle of Leventina Valley in the Swiss Alps). The cabin is right in the middle of the picture, below two other cabins next to each other:

Getting closer... Here is a neighbor's cabin:

This picture shows the trail that you have to hike up to get to the cabin from the main road. The house you see is another neighbor's cabin. You turn right on the trail right below that cabin to get to ours:

And here it is. It is still not painted, although the house has been built for over 30 years... I've never really noticed until just recently. The main entrance is up the stairs (the brown door you see):

And here is the entrance to the downstairs separate apartment:

The front yard:

The back swing:

Views from the balcony. The neighbors:

The front balcony:

The balcony around the corner:

The mountains right across from the cabin:

From the dinner table (right behind me):

Looking down the street from the balcony:

Isn't it gorgeous?

My Husband's a Musical Nerd!!

2008-09-08T19:39:00.000+02:00

What I mean by saying that my husband is a musical nerd is that he is musically inclined AND he is a nerd (separately). Well, today the two things came together as he somehow found the following video that hilariously combines both aspects of his personality.

WARNING: If you are not into physics, have no idea what CERN or a particle accelerator are (and don't care to know), and think that rap sucks, DO NOT watch this!

Fortunately, they do provide you with subtitles (...so that you can pretend to understand what they are saying...). It was thanks to the subtitles that I was able to catch phrases here and there that I often hear from my husband's mouth (like, "there are other rolled up dimensions too small for us to detect in our 3-dimensional paradigm") to which I just nod and smile and try not to let it get to me that I have NO IDEA what he's talking about (I try really hard to understand sometime... it just is way over my head).

Here it is:

And here is the link to an article from CNN that explains more about this particle accelerator they're building in Switzerland (in the off chance that anybody is actually interested in learning about it... I can't imagine why??!! ...Unless, of course, you're just as nerdy as Benjamin!) :)

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/09/08/lhc.collider/index.html

Caller ID

2008-09-03T01:14:00.000+02:00

YEAH! We now have Caller ID!! I finally talked Benjamin into it (and it was surprisingly easy, actually...). Welcome to 2008, huh? I made the joke with Benjamin that it will feel the way that we feel when we come down from my family's cabin in Switzerland (where there is no electricity except for the little bit provided by a solar panel, there's no Internet, there's a phone now but there used to not be phone poles up there, water needs to be heated by gas that comes in portable propane tanks, the heating comes from a fireplace, and the last few kilometers of road are now -more or less smoothly- paved) and we go back to my parents' house in the "civilized world" with all of today's modern luxuries. Well, Benjamin reminded me that we really DON'T like leaving the cabin, and that if we could, we'd live there forever. True. But I'm still WAY excited about FINALLY getting Caller ID. I'll post pictures of the cabin soon (...you thought I was going to say I was going to post pictures of my new Caller ID, huh?!! I'm not THAT lame... or at least I don't think I am, I hope...) :)

PS: I'm not posting this entry onto my Italian blog because I have NO IDEA how to translate "Caller ID." Help, anybody?

Berries

2008-08-29T01:52:00.000+02:00

If you know me, you know that I can't bring myself to buy those little boxes of berries at the grocery store in Las Vegas because I think they are too expensive and the berries just don't taste right. Here's why:

Raspberries picked in my dad's garden...

Cherries picked in my dad's garden...

Blueberries picked in my dad's garden...

Strawberries and raspberries picked in my dad's garden...

Get the picture? :) I never had to buy berries in Switzerland. If I wanted strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries and more, I just walked outside and picked some. My dad also grows a bunch of fruit trees, vegetables galore, and pretty flowers in his garden.

Here are Aurora and Nonno Emi (my dad) picking blueberries, raspberries, and daisies on our very first day in Switzerland (and many days after that):

Benjamin made his mom's famous blueberry cobbler a few times while we were there. It was a hit. Everyone loved it. I can't find a picture of the cobbler, so you'll just have to imagine what it looked and tasted like, made with fresh blueberries. Hmmmm... So good!!! :)

Still Alive (and Blogging)

2008-08-28T01:46:00.001+02:00

I've been doing horribly at keeping up with our blog (understatement of the year). Here's my best excuse: we just came back to Las Vegas after a 6-week vacation in Switzerland. The trip was Benjamin's Law School graduation present, and Aurora and I couldn't have been more thrilled to have him with us 24/7 for 6 entire weeks. Top that with being in Switzerland the entire time, and you've just described the Peltier family's best family vacation EVER. We took many, many pictures, so my plan is to sort through them, post the best ones little by little, and tell you stories about our trip. So, check back every once in a while, and you'll find out what we've been up to.

Wall-E

2008-06-28T00:16:00.000+02:00

Benjamin's Law School Graduation

2008-05-24T00:00:00.000+02:00

A few weeks ago, Benjamin went to his last Law School classes... EVER! Aurora and I waited for him at home to celebrate the grand event with a sign we had made to congratulate him (I know... I spelled "gymnastics" wrong...). We were all excited, especially Aurora who was bouncing around. We were chanting "Papi is done with school!" over and over. It was cute to see Benjamin get emotional and teary-eyed as he was hugging his daughter and at the thought that from now on he'll be seeing a lot more of her every day. It was such a great night for us!

Last week Benjamin graduated from Law School. I cannot believe it's been a 4 year commitment! I am so proud of him for sticking it out until the end. As most of you know, Benjamin was part of the evening program at UNLV's Boyd School of Law set up for people who do not have the luxury of just going to school because they have full-time day jobs (and a family they need to support).

This meant that:

1) He went to school (mostly 4 days a week) in the evenings after long days at work.

2) He didn't get a summer break from school other than a couple of weeks at the end of each August for the past 3 summers.

3) He didn't have evenings to study and do homework but had to use those precious week-end days instead.

4) He started school about a month before Aurora was born and has missed out on a lot of time with her in her almost 4 years of life.

Here are the pictures from his Friday (May 16th) Law School Graduation Ceremony only (if you place your mouse on the pictures, you will see the photo captions):

Here are some of the things that I admire most in him in regard to his sacrifices over the last 4 years:

1) He put our family first despite his extreme lack of free time due to his work and school commitments.

2) He went many-a-days without preparing for class as he was expected to do in order to be with his wife and daughter who missed him so much and who would attach themselves to him the second he walked in the door and didn't leave him room to breathe. (What can I say: we love him!!)

3) He always made time for Aurora and kept his promises to her no matter what. Although there were many nights that he would come home and she'd already be asleep (so they often didn't see each other for 2 days at a time), he would go in and kiss her goodnight as he had promised her. He also made sure to let Aurora know how much he missed her and thought about her every day.

4) He went to school night after night even when he was tired, sick, hungry, unprepared, homesick, and who knows what else. If you know Benjamin, you'll know how much he likes (I'm being sarcastic) sitting in a room listening to a lecture... So, to me, this is even bigger that he was able to committ to it and do well in every single class. He's such a smart man! :)

Here are the pictures from his Saturday (May 17th) UNLV Graduation Ceremony:

CONGRATULATIONS PAPI (BENJAMIN)!!! :)

Preschool Field Trip

2008-05-15T06:46:00.000+02:00

Aurora goes to a preschool group (aka joy school group) where we moms take turns teaching preschool for a week. A few weeks ago, when it was my turn to teach, two of us moms took 5 of the kids (plus an older brother) on a field trip to see The Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat at the Mirage Hotel. My friend (and schoolmate) Natalie graciously set the visit up for us, as her husband Jim (also my friend and former Italian student) is none other than the curator at The Dolphin Habitat. (Thanks Natalie and Jim!) Aurora and I have seen the dolphins many times already, but this time we had fun sharing the experience with other (very excited) kids. The trip was a real success, especially if you don't count the meltdowns at the end when nobody wanted to leave, and how we had to bribe the kids with ice cream on the condition that everyone left nicely and stopped the tantrums... We're such great teachers!! ;)

As you will see from the slide show, I did not get to take many great pictures of the kids because, unfortunately, I couldn't quite stand in the middle of a dolphin's pool to snap pictures of 6 very happy kids' faces. Instead, I got the backs of their heads a lot. :) I also took two potentially great group pictures if it weren't that in the first one I had two kids (my daughter included) who, because they were worn out and at the end of the trip, were not cooperating with the camera woman (i.e., they were throwing a tantrum right behind me because they didn't want to pose for the picture). In the second almost great group picture, one kid had already gotten away, and Aurora was not only not looking at the camera, but she was partially hidden as she was preoccupied with not falling off of the giant fake tiger we moms had sat them on. In fact, if you notice, all 5 kids on that tiger have terrified looks on their faces... oooops!

Note to self: next time, 1) take group pictures at the beginning of the field trip in order to minimize meltdowns and tantrums, and 2) take group pictures in a place where children will not harm themselves or be afraid of harming themselves. Hmmmm! You'd think I would have thought of that...

In any event, we got to see dolphins, tigers, lions, black panthers (not the militant kinds), and other animals I'm not sure I can properly identify. We got to go underground and see the dolphins swim from underneath the pool. We got first-rate treatment (not to mention, it was free) as Jim himself came, answered the kids' questions, and had us interact with (i.e., pet) Maverick, one of the dolphins. We got to play ball with three dolphins who would hit a beach ball with their tails and send it over to us, and we would throw it back in to them. We got to see the dolphins jump out of the water. We got to see a baby dolphin, and we got to eat ice cream. I had two kids asleep in the back of my car within minutes from when we left the Mirage, and the same happened in the other mom's van. Happy times! :)

The World According to Aurora

2008-05-09T07:03:00.000+02:00

Aurora has discovered a passion for photography (...in other words, we are finally agreeing to let her hold our camera and take pictures all by herself...). As you will see in the slide show, Aurora takes pictures of the things and people that are most important to her. Her perspective is very unique and at times very artistic. Still, I am not going to post the pictures she took of our walls, floors, electric plugs, ceiling fans, doors, windows, piano bench and other maybe less interesting things to you. :) Enjoy!

Way to go, Aurora! Keep it up... and please be careful not to drop the camera!! :)

Comps, Citizenship, and Law School – What a week!

2008-04-28T19:25:00.001+02:00

This week has been very eventful in our lives. Here is why:

Ilaria’s Comprehensive Examination:

On Tuesday (Apr. 22), I defended and passed my oral comprehensive examination at UNLV. That means that I’ve officially completed all my course work and am now in the dissertation proposal stage. I have never worked harder on any one particular assignment/exam in my entire school career as I worked on this exam, and I am happy that it is behind me (figuratively speaking because I actually will use what I wrote to turn it into a dissertation proposal).

Ilaria’s Naturalization Oath Ceremony:

On Friday (Apr. 25), I became an official U.S. citizen. I now have dual citizenship with Switzerland and the United States of America. Benjamin sent me this picture (above) and made the joke that I am Swiss, American, and also Provolone, since I got my Master's at BYU. Ha, ha, ha!! :) The coolest part of the Naturalization Oath Ceremony was that it was held in the building where my mother-in-law works in downtown Las Vegas, and that she was there to support me along with Benjamin, Aurora, uncle Larry, uncle Matt, and aunt Kari. It really made me feel special to have them all there just for me. Thank you guys so much!

The judge presiding over the ceremony said something that stuck with me. He told us to make a record (written, videotaped, or anything else) of our journey that has brought us to this event and the feelings accompanying it because our posterity will want to know what it was like for us. Here are some of my thoughts:

First of all, I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about being American because I still feel Swiss inside, and I do not think that will ever change. In a way, I feel like I am not being true to my country by taking on a new citizenship. Yet, I am very much “Americanized” in many ways, and there are many things that I appreciate and enjoy in this country that do not exist in Switzerland. This country is still, in many ways, the promised land—the land of opportunity. The conflict that I have (that I do not always see in other people who become U.S. citizens, for example) is the fact that I come from an equally amazing country that holds many opportunities and in which people can lead very happy and fulfilled lives. I did not run away from a war-torn or politically-oppressed country. I first came to the United States led by a strong curiosity of finding out more about this country and a desire to learn its language better, coupled with the need of finding my independence and finding out who I really was and where I belonged. Once here, I fell in love with the education system of this country (which I’m sure will make some of you wonder about me—we can talk about this some other time), its open spaces, its laid back life style, its room to grow in and opportunities for people like me, and I wanted to take full advantage of it all. These were my main attractions to this country.

Another reason, in fact, the biggest and most obvious reason that has led me to become an American citizen is, of course, my husband Benjamin and my daughter Aurora. I like knowing that we now all share one common citizenship (Aurora and I are also Swiss, but Benjamin is not) and that we can all live together in this country without any problems. We could also leave this country for extended periods of time without any re-entry problems now. This alone brings peace to my heart.

The other benefits for me to being an American citizen are the opportunity to vote and to apply for government jobs. Last but not least, I can now be allowed to enter my husband’s office and see where he has been working for the past 4-something years (…not that seeing his cubicle will be spectacular, but I’d like to have a picture in my head of where my husband spends most of his time away from us…). Oh, and did I mention that Benjamin can now apply to work for the CIA? Hmmmm… maybe I shouldn’t have become a citizen… Is it too late to back out? ;)

I’m sure there’s more to talk about, but I don’t want to put everyone to sleep on this topic.

End of Law School for Benjamin:

Before I forget (how could I forget?!), let me share one last important event that has happened this week: on Thursday night, Benjamin went to his very last two Law School lectures… EVER!!! He still has to pass two final exams and finish up a paper, but that is IT. Four long and agonized evening program (i.e., after long days at a full-time job) Law School years are over. I am very, very proud of him for sticking it out, and I am very proud of us (Aurora and I) for making it through endless days and nights without him. Benjamin started Law School about a month before Aurora was born, and so she has no concept of what it means that dads usually come home at a reasonable hour every night. Aurora is particularly excited about the concept that Papi is coming home when the sun is still out (or close) from now on. Her latest pretend game has been her playing the part of Papi, and me playing the part of Aurora: She comes to me and tells me that she needs to go to work and then school, that she has her bag with her books, and that she will call me from work. Then she reminds me that I need to go to sleep and that she will come in to kiss me goodnight when she gets back while I’m asleep. So, then I pretend to sleep on the couch, and she tip-toes up to me and plants a big kiss on my forehead or cheek and walks away. End of the game. Cute and heart-wrenching at the same time! WE’RE JUST GLAD IT’S OVER!!! (…Did I yell that out loud?) Now, on to a new life for us!! Not that we’re excited or anything… ;)

-Ilaria

In Memoriam

2008-04-03T01:55:00.000+02:00

This is for you, Gram. We miss you! (Words written by Benjamin; music by Schubert - one of Gram's favorite pieces to listen to when Ilaria played it on the piano.)

I Came Back to This Place

an elegy for Helen Ruth Pasciuto

Benjamin D. Peltier

March 24, 2008

I came back to this place
because I know I felt you there.
Where memories like breath-fogged glass
obscured you from my glare.

I came back to this place
because it's here I know
that just because I want you there
it does not make it so.

I came back to this place
if not for you, for me.
You told me not to touch your glasses,
but now I want to see.

What is this life?
What is that love?
Please let me know
from up above...

I came back to this place
puzzled for what I lost.
That crossword speared in fine blue pen
cut down first then across.

I came back to this place
because it's here we’d meet.
Where you so meek yet best of all
bent down to wash my feet.

I came back to this place
but found it not a loss
because I felt you once again
raised up now from your cross.

The Eulogy of Helen Ruth Pasciuto

delivered by her grandson on behalf of those who love her and for the benefit of those who know her in this life and in the life to come

Friday, March 28, 2008

St. Anne Catholic Church
79 West Milton Street
Hyde Park, Massachusetts

Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum.
Benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.

Whether you knew her as Helen, Aunty Helen, Gram, or any of her many titles, Helen was Helen. Gram was Gram. She lived her life in a simple way—humbly.

Gram was not the type for extravagance. She never owned anything of worldly value. I’m not sure what Gram would have thought of this funeral. That she was honored on both ends of the country, that people dropped all they were doing to cross the globe and converge on this place to celebrate her life. She wasn’t one for spectacles...unless it was the spectacles she wore for reading. She would say, "Don’t touch my glasses!"

She was simple, humble. What a simple joke that brought joy to the children of three generations!

Some of us may also recall how Gram would go about her daily activities in her bathrobe and slippers. I can still hear the swish-swish of her slippers as they pass across the floor, and Gram, tapping a beat on her thigh as she hummed the song she would always sing: "duh doo do doodoo."

This is what defined Gram. She was what she was. Gram was Gram: simple—humble.

It was almost 15 years ago that Gram took me aside as if she had some special secret to share with me. I listened intently, and she told me that she wanted me to sing a song at her funeral. She told me which song, and made me promise her that I would sing it. You heard the fulfillment of that promise just earlier.

Although it may have sounded to you like a foreign language, the words of the song are those simple words from the gospel of Luke:

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord be with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."

These are simple words, humble words.

But it was not until I was preparing to sing those words that I realized why she would have me sing them today.

For my entire life, I have heard stories of this family… this community gathered here today and those who went before us… of Nita and Cappy, of Billy, of Jimmy, the Colella’s, the Simison’s, of 4 Norton Street, of Truman Highway, of Alan and Larry and my Mother, of Maureen, of Sissy and Danny, of all sorts of people I had never heard of or of whom I had vague recollections. Gram’s memories were firm. This was her life, and she wanted to share it—to hand it over. She loved to tell those stories, and for the most part, I had no idea what she was talking about, like she was speaking a foreign language, but I listened.

Gram struggled toward the end because all of these memories were disappearing, vanishing to some unknown place. During one of my final visits with her, they were gone. She struggled to even recognize me, but we sang together, "How much is that doggy in the window… Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do!" and other such songs. Simple songs. Humble songs.

Gram always had a song in her heart, and she sang it as she went about her daily activities.

Yesterday, as we gathered for her viewing, I realized why she had me sing that song… as I travelled past Truman Highway, and down Norton Street… as I saw Eric and Joanne and Joanie, my brothers, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, and other family I wouldn’t know how to describe my relation to… Gram’s secret was revealed:

One by one, I saw her memories, not lost, not hidden in some forgotten place, but alive and well in all of us.

I could see her smiling, and I could hear her singing: "duh doo do doodoo..." And for the very first time, I heard the words to the song she carried with her:

Benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui.

Gram, Helen, Ma… blessed art thou, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. You lived your life simply and humbly and not for the extravagances of this world. You lived as did the simple and humble carpenter, Jesus. And as He said to us, "The last shall be the first, and the first the last. The meek shall inherit the earth."

We love you, Gram. Go now and accept your reward. And may we all carry in our hearts your song and your shining example and sing them in our daily activities… that your memory may never fade. This, Gram, is our prayer to Our Father in the name of His son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

The Obituaries of Helen Ruth Pasciuto

published in the Las Vegas Review-Journal
Saturday, March 22, 2008

http://www.reviewjournal.com/obituaries/individual_display.jsp?obitID=3734533#guestbook

Helen Ruth (Moynihan) Pasciuto, 83, was better known to those who love her most as "Gram." She left this life for a new one Wednesday, March 19, 2008. Born in Boston, Oct. 20, 1924, the fifth of 10 Moynihan children, family always came first for her, and she devoted her life to it. Gram’s greatest joy came from quiet conversations with her loved ones over a game of Scrabble, a puzzle, a cup of coffee, or a bowl of Doritos washed down with a cold Pepsi. It was her duty to family that pulled her away from Boston to Florida and then to Henderson, where she helped for over 20 years to raise her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Always the proud matriarch, and quietly dignified as the passage of time gradually limited her ability to care for others, Gram sought to share her memories with her family before they faded. Her influence, however, spans far beyond her home and family, carried into the heart of her community and across the globe in the spirit of her three children, eight grandchildren, 11 great-grandchildren, and the numerous nieces and nephews she leaves behind. Although Gram worried in the end that her memory wasn’t what it used to be, as she now rejoins her dear husband, Joseph Julio Pasciuto, who preceded her in death in 1969; her parents, Maurice J. Moynihan Sr. and Margaret M. (Weschrob) Moynihan; her brothers and sisters; and her beloved nieces and nephews for a new life in a different home, she may be at rest knowing her memory here will never fade. Helen leaves behind her loving children, Jacqueline (Joseph III) Peltier, Alan and Laurence (Catherine); grandchildren, Joseph IV (Patricia), Matthew (Kari), Benjamin (Ilaria), and Joshua (Amanda) Peltier; Erik Pasciuto, Zachary Wells, Evan and Amanda Pasciuto; and great-grandchildren, Cody Barron, Morrigan, Joseph V., Avan, Nicole, Kelsie, Kaylin, Kira, Aurora, Aeryn and Gillian Peltier; brothers, James (Geraldine) and William (Judith) Moynihan; and numerous special nieces and nephews, grand-nieces and nephews. Visitation will be from 3–7 p.m. Saturday, March 22, at Palm Mortuary, 7600 S. Eastern Ave. Funeral services will be held in Hyde Park, Mass., where Helen will be interred with her beloved husband and family.

published in the Boston Globe
from March 26, 2008 to March 27, 2008

http://www.legacy.com/BostonGlobe/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=106370988

HYDE PARK Pasciuto, Helen Ruth
READVILLE Pasciuto, Helen Ruth
NEVADA Pasciuto, Helen Ruth

PASCIUTO, Helen Ruth (Moynihan) of Henderson, NV, formerly of Hyde Park, March 19, age 83. Beloved wife of the late Joseph. Devoted mother of Jacqueline L. Peltier and her husband Joseph, III of Henderson, NV, Alan C. of Miami, FL, Laurence W. and his wife Catherine of Henderson, NV. Cherished sister of James and his wife Geraldine of Rockland and William and his wife Judith of Norton. Loving "Gram" of 8 grandchildren, 11 great grandchildren and also survived by many special nieces, nephews, grandnieces and grandnephews. Funeral from the Carroll-Thomas Funeral Home, 22 Oak St., HYDE PARK Friday morning at 8. Funeral Mass in St. Ann’s Church, Readville at 9. Relatives and friends invited. Visiting hours Thursday from 4-8 PM. Children’s room available. Interment at Fairview Cemetery, Hyde Park. For directions and guestbook: thomasfuneralhomes.com. Carroll-Thomas Funeral Home Hyde Park (617) 361-3216.

The Peltier Family

Thank You

Thank you all for your support, thoughts, and prayers regarding my father's passing.Grazie a tutti per il vostro sostegno, pensieri e preghiere in merito alla scomparsa di mio padre.

First Tooth... to fall OFF, that is.

July 4, 2009: Working with Nonno Emi

July 2, 2009: Baking Bread

Week of June 22 - June 26, 2009: The News & The Move

Cheers!

FINALLY!!!

9 YEARS!!!

Bottom to Top

The Los Angeles Zoo Easter Activities

Invading the Sampson’s

Easter Extravaganza 2009

Happy Birthday, Great-Grandma Cecilia!!!

Latest Update

Happy Birthday, Nonno Emi!!!

GRAM

Update and Things I'm Grateful For

Video of the Week

First Kiss

Aurora & Zia Momi (Naomi)

Pre-Valentine's Day Date

Thank You, Zia Naomi (and Mom & Dad!!)

PFO Closure

Thursday

Wednesday

Tuesday

"HELP ME!"

Monday

Next Week

TransEsophageal Echocardiogram (TEE)

TOTAL OPPOSITE!!!

Back to Square One

"How many years do I have to wait?!"

Typical!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAPI BENJAMIN!!!

Oh, Patience... Where Art Thou?

Wise Advice Part II

Neurologist Appointment

Wise Advice

Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO)

The Husband Brag Tag Part 2

Bookends

Seven Random Things About Me

Eat Your Heart out Nonno Emilio!

Aurora's Frosty

Let it Snow...

The Fountain (& Deiro)

Health Update

Thanksgiving, Part 2

Thanksgiving, Part 1

Karate, Anyone?...

Hubby Tag

New Look

My Miscarriage

Update and Thank You

Fast Learner

My Big Girl is 4!!!

Revelations in Parenting, Part II (Matthew 18:4)

Revelations in Parenting, Part I (Content of Our Character)

Deiro (The Cabin)

My Husband's a Musical Nerd!!

Caller ID

Berries

Still Alive (and Blogging)

Wall-E

Benjamin's Law School Graduation

Preschool Field Trip

The World According to Aurora

Comps, Citizenship, and Law School – What a week!

In Memoriam

Thank you all for your support, thoughts, and prayers regarding my father's passing.

Grazie a tutti per il vostro sostegno, pensieri e preghiere in merito alla scomparsa di mio padre.